Christmas Without Her

This is my first Christmas Eve without my mom.  I grew up in a broken family.  My parents divorced before I was two years old.  My mother always allowed my father and his family to have Christmas Day with me.  I always had Christmas Eve with my Mom and Grandma.  It was great!  I got to open my presents on Christmas Eve around midnight.  I got TWO visits from Santa!

As I grew up and my Father disappeared from my life, I started spending Christmas Day with some of my friend's family and then eventually with Nick and his family.  The Christmas Eve with Mom tradition was always a given.

This year, I just find myself so sad.  I am going to go today and light one of her eternity candles, but it's not the same.  I am trying to remember the good times, but all I can think about is last Christmas Eve and all the crap that was going on at the nursing home and it just pisses me off that that is the last Christmas I got to spend with her.

My Mom loved Christmas.  She decorated like there wasn't a tomorrow.  Every year, she would decorate her tree differently.  She crocheted snowflakes one year, then the next year pastel snowflakes, then the next year she crocheted angels and hearts.  Each year totally different.  I never inherited that from her.  I really don't like the holidays.  Someone said this morning that they don't either that all they bring is disappointment and rejection and that is how I feel.  Yes, my mother made sure the holidays were nice for me, but there were just some things she couldn't fix.  She couldn't make someone love me or want to spend time with me when he didn't.  Here I am, 43 years old and still suffering that same disappointment and rejection.  Why do I care?  I don't know.  All I know is the one parent that loved me and thought the world of me and would have done anything for me, is gone.

So, I am going to try to get through this day, with a smile on my face and try to remember my mother when she was the most happy, loud, boisterous woman.  She was me times 10.  That's what I will focus on, not the small, frail, weak, soft spoken woman that she ended up being in the end.  I will hug my dog tight, knowing that if she was here, she would be doing the same.  I will light that candle and I will always love my Mom and I will always miss her the most on Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas Mom.

Happy St. Nick Day!

Today is St. Nick Day and today I am really thinking of my mother.  Up until I was 21 years of age, St. Nick visited my house.  Sometimes, I wouldn't have a clue that it was St. Nick Day until I went to go out of the door to go to school and would nearly trip over a bag of goodies.  Sometimes I would go to put on my shoes and find money in them.

The goodie bags usually had candy bars, Bubble Yum (which was a hot commodity back them) oranges and walnuts.  All the goodies were in a brown paper sack that was twisted closed at the top.  As I got older and stopped believing in Santa, I also questioned who St. Nick really was.

My mother swore that it wasn't her, yet I reminded her that she would never let me eat things from strangers.  I thought for awhile that she may have invested in the help of my Great Aunt Marg.  I really don't know.  My mother never admitted doing it.

I am almost certain it was my mom.  It had to be.  And she never forgot.  Neither will I.

Happy St. Nick Day!  May you find some money in your shoe!