Saturday, May 28, 2011

Putting the FUN Back in Dysfunctional

I've said for awhile now, that I should write a book about my totally dysfunctional childhood.  I've always said if I did write it, I would call it "How to Put the Fun Back in Dysfunctional".  But seriously, the dysfunctionality still goes on.  I've waited a bit before I sat down to write about this because I didn't want to write it angry.

Readers of this blog know that my father wasn't too involved in my life.  I am certain that he doesn't know my birthday.  I am pretty sure that I am not an important part of his life.  Time and time again, the man has turned his back on me.  Just recently, I gave him another shot, only to be dissed, yet once again.

In January, I got a friend request from him.  My initial reaction was NO WAY.  I was at the salon at the time and I was doing my friend, Lisa's nails.  I was telling her about it and said that I was going to ignore the request.  Lisa lost her father a year ago, right before I lost my mom.  Lisa said to me that she would give anything to get a friend request from her father.  Well, I would give anything to get a friend request from my mother!  Anyhow, her comment stuck with me and I started to feel guilty.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was reaching out to me and maybe he wanted to make an effort to be in my life.  So I hit approve.  I thought if anything, maybe I will get a Happy Birthday from this man since Facebook was now going to remind him that I had a birthday coming up.

I hooked him up with other family members on Facebook.  He made a few comments here and there.  I was in Punta Cana for my birthday.  I didn't get a Happy Birthday from the man.  The only thing I got was a comment on one of my pictures that I posted from paradise that said "Lucky people"  Really?  That's all you got?  Soooooooooooooo I am lucky that I worked my ass off all year long to save and pay to go on a vacation for my birthday?  That's not luck.  That's hard work.  Seriously, you can't see up in the upper left hand side of your screen that your fucking first born is celebrating her 44th birthday?

I just let it go.  In 44 years, I can count on my two hands how many times my birthday was acknowledged and most of those times the WOMAN in his life was responsible for him either remembering or doing anything.

So, time goes on.  Nothing.  No comments when it is obvious that I am struggling with the loss of my mother.  No comments of comfort for me on HER birthday.  Nothing.

My sister in law finally gets on Facebook and sends me a request.  I go to her wall to post FINALLY!  I've been after her to join the fun for years.  I happened to see that she had him listed as a family member and I thought, wonder what he's up to.  I clicked on his profile and was dumbfounded.  HE DELETED ME as a friend!  Who the hell deletes their own child as a friend on Facebook?  My father does.

I have no idea why.  I can only imagine that he somehow found my blog here and read my memories.  Yes that is right, MY MEMORIES.  I am so sorry if my memories of you are painful for you to read.  I am so sorry if you feel that my memories are things other people planted in my brain, yet these are MEMORIES.  Instead of trying to man up and be a father for once, yet again he takes the easy way out.  He turned his back on me yet once again.  I guess the truth really does hurt, huh?

I will admit, I am beyond pissed off.  I think I am more pissed off at myself for being so fucking stupid to give this man another chance.  When will I learn?  Well, I think I finally have.

So there are a few things I would like to say.  I have become the woman I am today DESPITE you.  I am an honest, caring person.  I have a gazillion people who I can call friend and they call me a friend.  I am an educated, successful woman with her own business.  I have a successful soon to be 19 year marriage.  I am compassionate.  I am all of these things and the person I am DESPITE you.  I have my mother to thank for all of this.  Without her I would have amounted to nothing.

Thank you so much for turning your back on me yet again.  Thank you for reminding me why I didn't want to approve your request in the first place.  Thank you for keeping your fucked up life away from me.  I will NEVER miss what I NEVER had.  And now, I am finished being angry with you.  I am just finished period.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

The Beginning of the End

One year ago, today, my mother had surgery to amputate two fingers that were infected with MRSA.  I truly believe that that was the beginning of the end.  The end of her life.  Mom had some complications after surgery.  Her heart rate elevated and she ended up being hospitalized for almost a week.  She should have been in one day.

While waiting for her to get out of recovery, I met Anastacia, the therapy dog.  She was all decked out for Cinco de Mayo.  She made me smile that day.

The following day, I had some major shit blow up in my life.  I made one of the best decisions I ever did and cut a big dead weight from it.  In return, I ended up depressed and just tired and exhausted with life.  I never did go to see my mother on Mother's Day.  I wanted to take her flowers but she was still in ICU.  In the state of mind I was in, I didn't go visit.

I did visit the next day.  She was in a regular room and I took her a nice floral arrangement.  She loved flowers.  It was just like most visits had become.  No talking and her just kind of not really caring if I was there or not.  This was the last time I saw my mother.

I let life get in my way.  I was extremely busy at the salon with prom.  Prom season goes on for weeks here.  I worked like a dog to get everyone in and ready for their big day.  I was exhausted, both physically and also mentally.  Then there was the Memorial Day rush.  I then had to work like crazy the first week of June so that I could get everyone in before we all hopped on a plane to head to Orlando for the Premier Beauty Show.  The Monday before we left, I had every intention to go visit my mom.  Somehow I talked myself out of going.  It was the frame of mind I was in.  My mother died a week later.  I was in Florida.

I really wish I had made myself go that day.  I just worry that she died thinking that I didn't care.  I did.  It makes me so sad to know that my mother died alone.  I still remember the call.  My ringtone at the time was Turning Japanese and I can't hear the intro to that song without feeling sick to my stomach.  I just really hope that my mother knew how much I loved her.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I Don't Care.....

I don't care if you think you are better than me, prettier than me, thinner than me. 

I don't care if you think you are more successful than me, creative than me, popular than me. 

I don't care what you own, I don't care what you wear, I don't care what you have to say about me, I don't even care if you lie. 

I don't care what your opinion of me is, or what you really think about me. 

I don't care if you talk about me.  I don't care if you sneer at me when you see me or try to hide to avoid me. 

I don't care if you want to see me hurt or want to see me fail, because I will never give you the satisfaction. 

See, YOU are the reason that I care about the important things.  I don't want to be like you, because truthfully, you suck.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

How to Bling Out a Cell Phone Cover!

I’ve been blinging out cell phones for years. It’s been a few years since I’ve blinged one out and have been asked countless times how to do it, so I decided to so a tutorial.

I recently got the Verizon iPhone4. I love this phone. I got a cheapie cover at Five Below. Make sure you get a plastic one and not a rubber or silicone one. The glitter finish will just peel off of any surface that is super flexible. The cover that I chose was the best of both worlds, it is plastic with rubber sides so that the phone is easy to grip.

Cell phone :o)
Modge Podge – this is a very thin glue used for decoupage. You can find it at most craft stores or at Wally World.
Tape – Masking tape works best, but I only had Scotch tape and it worked fine.

If needed, mask off the areas that you don’t want blinged out. I masked off the side because they were rubber.
Apply an even coat of Modge Podge, make sure to not leave any puddles.
Put a paper towel or sheet of paper down under your cover and pour the glitter all over it. Be generous.
Tap off the excess glitter onto the paper. Fold the paper and pour excess back into the glitter jar. No waste!!
Let dry. It doesn’t take long. Once dry, you can add another layer of Modge Podge, but it really isn’t necessary unless you want it to feel smooth. I didn’t add a second layer. Remove the tape and give your blinged area a good brushing with a nail brush or just tap it real well.

All done!!! I expect to see lots of these now! Take a photo of yours and tag me on Facebook!!