Sunday, June 24, 2012

Toxicity Level: LOW

For years now, I have put up with a person.   An immature person.  A one upper.  You know the kind, no matter what you say to anyone, they have to butt in and either try to correct you or one up you.  It's so annoying.  I am not the only one this person does it to.  They have probably been doing it their entire life to just about everyone in their life.

I thought this person was a friend, but it became apparent years ago, that this person was not.  They liked to tell untruths, liked to cause drama, liked to throw in vague little digs here and there.  I tolerated this person, because, for the most part, for a long amount of time I had a large amount of respect for them.

I have been wanting to rid myself of this person for awhile now and almost did in March.  The toxicity level that this person was putting out at that time was tremendous.  She was vile to more than just me.  At the time a friend asked me why I was even friends with them and my answer was a simple "I don't know".  I've done a lot of thinking about that question over the past few months and I really could not come up with a good reason for remaining in contact with them.

I know how this person works though.  If I broke it off, she wins.  I will never let a toxic person win.  Sorry, I am stubborn like that.

I am happy to say, the toxicity level in my life has dropped to an all time low and I am ecstatic.  The ball was in my court and I just hammered the final nail in the coffin and couldn't be more at peace.  Life is way too short to have toxic people in your life.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Please Don't Jump

One year ago, I witnessed something that I will never forget.  I can't drive by without thinking of the man that ended his life by jumping off of the Judge Graff Bridge June 20, 2011.

I had just picked the dogs up from the groomer and was heading home.  The bridge was under construction.  As I was about to take the Ford City off ramp, I noticed a man on the ledge of the bridge standing, and looking down.  I assumed at that time, that he was a worker inspecting something.

When I got closer, I noticed that he had a blue scrub top on and that he was barefoot.  I passed within feet of him.  He was just calm and serene and just looking down, like he was looking for something.

It took me a few seconds to register what I was actually seeing.  I immediately tried to call 911, but all circuits were busy.  As I was trying to get my car turned around, I saw two women running towards him on their phones.

By the time I got my car turned around, he was gone.  He jumped.  Luckily, I didn't see that part, but the image of the man standing there still haunts me.  I can't drive by this spot without thinking of him.

Days later, I found out that he was from Indiana County.  I didn't know him, but I knew his sister Ellen.  She, sadly, died in a motorcycle accident years ago.  What tragedy for that family.  I feel for their mother, who is still alive.

I hope he found peace.  At the end, he wasn't agitated or upset.  He just seemed so at peace right before he jumped.  That to me is so sad.  To be so sure about ending your life.  To be so comfortable with that decision.  God rest his soul.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Better Days

I am feeling so much better.  I guess sometimes, you don't realize how crappy you are feeling until you start feeling good again.  I am happy to say, I have felt great for over a week now.  I think my medication is helping, although the happy pills shouldn't kick in for another week or so.

I've made a lot a changes in my life.  I've tried to eliminate a lot of stress.  Hiring our Director of Sanity, aka our assistant, has helped tremendously.  I actually hired her before all these heart issues were found.  I also hired a kick ass cleaning lady for the salon.  It's amazing to not have that extra work hanging over my head.  I was never able to leave the salon for the weekend without it being spotless.  Now, I am able to just walk out of the door knowing when I come back it will be clean.  It's awesome!

I have also, slowly, removed caffeine from my life.  As a coffee and Coke addict, I thought this would be harder.  I told myself that I would have one cup of coffee a day and one Coke a day and then slowly cut down to none.  I haven't had coffee since I got back from Florida and surprisingly, I don't miss it.  I guess when you wake up feeling good you don't need the coffee to pick you up.

I'm starting to get out more and be more active, which I didn't realize how much I missed.  I am trying to not work on the computer so much.  When you own a business, you pretty much have to work it every day to be successful.  I am trying to find balance in that area.

I got Tootie out for a ride on Sunday and it was awesome.  I miss riding that scooter.  Mr. Bruises and I bought kayaks and took them out for the first time last evening.  It was so peaceful on Crooked Creek.

I still have to reschedule my surgery, I am hoping for the end of July, due to our salon schedules.  I also am still waiting to hear when my sleep study is.  I can tell, though, I am sleeping so much better now and I think it's been making a world of difference.

For everything else, I am adopting The Honey Badger's motto for it.  Honey Badger is a badass and doesn't give a shit!!!

Monday, June 11, 2012

Monitor says....

I had to wear a halter, heart monitor for 24 hours.  I had it attached, applied, whatever you want to call it on Thursday afternoon.  I was in Afib when I had it put on.  I was to press a button if I felt anything and log it.  Well within an hour, I felt the all familiar flutter in my chest, so I pressed the button and logged it.

I then, within the next half hour, managed to unplug the thing.  I had to press the button not once but twice to see if it was working.  So I logged those as well.  I went about my day with no other issues.

The next day, when it was time for me to return the thing, I removed all the cords and the sticky things that were used to hold them to my body.  I have four little, red circles on my body, mainly from them having to sand my skin to make them stick better.

I sent our Director of Sanity to the hospital to return my monitor and I continued servicing my clients on Friday.  My bra was driving me crazy and I thought that the adhesive was catching and pulling my bra in a weird way.  So, I went into the bathroom, armed with a cotton pad with acetone on it, fully prepared to remove the sticky residue from my body, even if it stung due to my sanded skin.

Low and behold, my discomfort wasn't coming from the adhesive.  It was coming from the under wire of my bra, which I had somehow snapped in half.  The wire was poking into my skin.

I had my appointment with my cardiologist today.  The info from my monitor was read.  It was very interesting.  I was in Afib from the time I had the monitor put on until sometime during the night, while I was sleeping (can't remember the exact time) when I worked myself out of it.  Now here's the really weird part.  On Thursday evening, right before 9:00 pm, my heart rate was 175.  Yes, you read that right.  I believe I was eating a yummy egg roll and catching up on Facebook at that time.  Nothing strenuous.  Now, 12 hours later at nearly 9:00 am on Friday, my heart rate was 49.  Again, you read that right.

So, our plan of attack is for me to continue with my aspirin, daily, keep on the meds to slow my heart rate down and if I keep going into Afib, then I can get on a prescription to help control that.

I have been cleared for surgery, however, I doubt I will be able to schedule it before the end of July due to the doctor's vacation and working around some vacations at the salon.  So, slowly we are progressing.  More importantly, I am starting to feel better.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Remembering Her

Two years ago today, I lost my Mom.  I was wide awake at 3:30-ish this morning.  This is not unusual, I usually wake up several times during the night, feeling hot.  Usually it's starts around 5:00.  I guess maybe I woke up because that was the time she passed.  I initially got the call at 3:15 that morning, so who knows.

It's been a long two years and I can honestly say I don't think I have ever let myself fully let out my grief.  I think I have always been afraid that if I started crying about it that I would never stop.  So, I just never let myself go there.  Maybe that wasn't such a good idea.

I wanted to do something today to remember my mom.  I decided to get my tattoo finished with something to remember her.  Whenever I think of her, I see dragonflies.  My tattoo is a big dragonfly as well as some little ones and flowers.  So I asked Ezra of Iron Elements to come up with another dragonfly that has my mother's name and her dates incorporated into the design.

I think he did an awesome job!

On Hold

Well, my surgery is now on hold.  I was to have it next Thursday, but an abnormal EKG has put a halt to it.  It seems as though when I had my EKG two weeks ago, that I was in Atrial Fibrillation.  It's where the top half of your heart is working twice as fast as the bottom part of your heart.  The big risk with it is blood pooling in the heart, possibly forming clots, which then could result in a stroke.

I firmly believe that in January of 2011, I was in Afib then as well.  I thought I was having a heart attack.  I must have come out of it before I got to the hospital since it never showed up on my EKG then and I was on a heart monitor for 24 hours and had a stress test the next day.  Everything checked out okay and I was told that my heart was healthy.

This explains so much to me.  I was diagnosed with acid reflux or possible gall bladder issues after that episode.  I've had these feelings again, off and on, and treated them as acid reflux.  I now know why I haven't felt good for years.  I think I have been going into and out of Afib for some time now.  It explains why I am exhausted all of the time and my sense of anxiety too.

I also was put on a happy pill.  I really have reservations about that.  I am just so afraid that once you start taking anti-depressants that you never get off of them.  I have finally admitted to myself, though, that I have been severely depressed for some time now.  YEARS.  I think it started when my mother, first, initially got sick and I was hit with all of the responsibility that I would carry for years.  I am a classic case of "just because someone looks happy and laughs a lot doesn't mean that she's okay on the inside".

I am also finally admitting to myself that I am not well.  I have entirely too much stress in my life.  I am not healthy and I don't need any jackass telling me that I should lose some weight.  No shit Sherlock.  However, until you walk a mile in someone's shoes, don't judge.  I'm not making excuses, but it's hard to be active when you don't have any energy or desire to be active.  It's hard to eat better when you don't have the time or energy to shop, cook or hell even decide what to eat.

I can't tell you the last time I hopped out of bed feeling good.  I can probably count on one hand how many times in the past year.  I never feel rested, I know I wake up a gazillion times through the night.  Sleep Apnea can put people into Afib, so that is something that will need to be checked.  I also had my thyroid tested to see if that is causing these issues.

Either way, I am happy that finally something is coming up to explain why I feel like shit all of the time.  I am disappointed beyond belief that I have to wait, yet again, to have relief from the other things, but I guess the old ticker is much more important.  I will get by, I always do, but I'm just a little tired with life and all it's curveballs at the moment.