Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Starting Over.....REALLY?

OMG, I can't even believe I am at this point.  I had so much hope for today, but in the back of my mind, I knew all along this is what would happen.  I have to start over.  From scratch.  To finally get to the point where I can have some relief in my life.  To try to find my joy of living again.  To improve the quality of my life.

For years I have been battling what you would call "female issues"  For the past two years, I have endured so many invasive tests that it is sickening to think about them.  I have actually had all of those done twice now.  One test was so ridiculously painful that I am physically ill, just thinking about having to go through it again.

I don't know how I am going to be able to do it again.  I am a strong woman, but this is where I draw the line.  There is a slim chance that I may not have to have THAT test done again, but knowing my luck, I will have to have it.  I can't do that test again conscious.  I will have to be put under.  I don't even know if that is an option.

I am so,, fucking, incredibly pissed off at my previous doctor.  He dropped the ball.  He had me endure all of that twice and then just never progressed to the next level.  WHY????  Why was I told that what I am experience is normal.  It's not.  Why was I told that I just need to learn to live with things.  I shouldn't have to.

I now know I have options.  Lots of them.  However, I have to start right back from the beginning just because my previous doctor failed me.

Please pray that I don't have to endure that last test.  Please pray that I can go through all of this one more time.  Please pray that I don't run into this man and if I do, please pray that I don't beat the living shit out of him.