Christmas Without Her

This is my first Christmas Eve without my mom.  I grew up in a broken family.  My parents divorced before I was two years old.  My mother always allowed my father and his family to have Christmas Day with me.  I always had Christmas Eve with my Mom and Grandma.  It was great!  I got to open my presents on Christmas Eve around midnight.  I got TWO visits from Santa!

As I grew up and my Father disappeared from my life, I started spending Christmas Day with some of my friend's family and then eventually with Nick and his family.  The Christmas Eve with Mom tradition was always a given.

This year, I just find myself so sad.  I am going to go today and light one of her eternity candles, but it's not the same.  I am trying to remember the good times, but all I can think about is last Christmas Eve and all the crap that was going on at the nursing home and it just pisses me off that that is the last Christmas I got to spend with her.

My Mom loved Christmas.  She decorated like there wasn't a tomorrow.  Every year, she would decorate her tree differently.  She crocheted snowflakes one year, then the next year pastel snowflakes, then the next year she crocheted angels and hearts.  Each year totally different.  I never inherited that from her.  I really don't like the holidays.  Someone said this morning that they don't either that all they bring is disappointment and rejection and that is how I feel.  Yes, my mother made sure the holidays were nice for me, but there were just some things she couldn't fix.  She couldn't make someone love me or want to spend time with me when he didn't.  Here I am, 43 years old and still suffering that same disappointment and rejection.  Why do I care?  I don't know.  All I know is the one parent that loved me and thought the world of me and would have done anything for me, is gone.

So, I am going to try to get through this day, with a smile on my face and try to remember my mother when she was the most happy, loud, boisterous woman.  She was me times 10.  That's what I will focus on, not the small, frail, weak, soft spoken woman that she ended up being in the end.  I will hug my dog tight, knowing that if she was here, she would be doing the same.  I will light that candle and I will always love my Mom and I will always miss her the most on Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas Mom.

Happy St. Nick Day!

Today is St. Nick Day and today I am really thinking of my mother.  Up until I was 21 years of age, St. Nick visited my house.  Sometimes, I wouldn't have a clue that it was St. Nick Day until I went to go out of the door to go to school and would nearly trip over a bag of goodies.  Sometimes I would go to put on my shoes and find money in them.

The goodie bags usually had candy bars, Bubble Yum (which was a hot commodity back them) oranges and walnuts.  All the goodies were in a brown paper sack that was twisted closed at the top.  As I got older and stopped believing in Santa, I also questioned who St. Nick really was.

My mother swore that it wasn't her, yet I reminded her that she would never let me eat things from strangers.  I thought for awhile that she may have invested in the help of my Great Aunt Marg.  I really don't know.  My mother never admitted doing it.

I am almost certain it was my mom.  It had to be.  And she never forgot.  Neither will I.

Happy St. Nick Day!  May you find some money in your shoe!

Giving Thanks

So today is Thanksgiving.  So many people are giving thanks to all the things they are thankful.  Today, I woke up, not really thankful for anything.  To me, this has been one of the worst years of my life.  I blame it totally on the fact that I didn't eat pork and sauerkraut on New Year's Day.  I will not be making that stupid mistake again.

I mean seriously.  2010 has brought me a lot of heartache and sadless.  I had to fire not one but two employees this year.  I am still trying to reach around to remove the giant butcher knives that were stabbed deep into my back.  I've had more than my share of run-ins with the nursing home and the IRS concerning my mother.  My mother died.  I got jacked around by an attorney for seven months and finally got things straigtened out.  My sweet little Chip died.

After thinking of all of this, and feeling sorry for myself, I realized, it's really not that much.  Yes, I lost my mom, but there are so many others that are having a much shittier year.  So I decided to pull up my big girl panties and think of all that I am thankful for.

I am thankful that I have the most amazing dogs that have the ability to make me feel better just by looking at them.  I am thankful for a best friend that just seriously gets me.  Despite an 11 year age difference, we are so alike and in tune, it's scarey.  I am thankful for my Aunts Robin and BJ.  I can always see my mother's face in Aunt Robin's eyes and hear a smidge of mom's voice in hers. 

I am thankful for a job that allows me to laugh, be creative and have fun.  I am thankful to work with two of the best gals that anyone could ask for.  They are loyal, they are hard workers and most of all, they put up with my menopausal mood swings.  They deserve an award for that alone.

I bet you thought that I was going to forget Mr. Bruises.  I am thankful for him.  He annoys the ever, loving shit out of me a great deal of the time, but what husband doesn't do that?  I am thankful that he lets me live my life and doesn't try to control me like other husbands.  He puts up with my love of animals and my borderline hoarding habits.  In turn, I put up with Glenn Beck and Fox News.

Happy Thanksgiving to all.  Be thankful for what you have instead of feeling bad about what you don't have.

Charlotte?

About two weeks ago, I noticed a spot, on the kitchen wall, near Jeffrey, the turtle's  tank.  Since this was also near the kitchen garbage can, I thought maybe it was a food splatter, or one of the dog's eye boogers.  Yes, we have pets and we deal with eye boogers and shedding.  We don't mind.

Upon closer inspection, I realzied it was a tiny spider.  Little spiders don't really freak me out.  I will scream like a mad woman when a spider the size of my wrist is on my coat sleeve, though, but that's a whole other story for another time.

So I thought, it must be dead, so I blew on it and it quickly became alert.  I thought it was odd that it was on the wall and fully expected it to move back to it's web.  Well it didn't.  It's still there.  It lives on my kitchen wall.

I always thought that spiders lived in webs, which are usually in the corners of the wall or ceiling.  Not this spider.  It hangs out on the kitchen wall.  I wonder how it's eating, I don't see any trace of a web on the wall.

So then, I started wondering if this spider is like Charlotte.  Is it conversing with my animals?  If so, what do they talk about.  Me?  Obviously, since the spider doesn't seem to be skittish.  It's like the spider was told that this is a safe haven for all God's creatures.  That is, until you get really big, then you have to live in the garage.

Friendship

Friendship. Loyatly. Trust. Those all go hand in hand. I am a very loyal friend and I like to think that I am trustworthy as well. If I am your friend, I will defend you to the death. I have many people, in my life that I consider friends. Some are a different level of friends, like BFF Jill, she's my ultimate friend. She is who I would call if I was dying. She is who I vent to. She is who I could tell my deepest, darkest secret to and I know that she would never sell me out. She also, is who would help me bury a body if needed. Just kidding, just wanted to make sure you were reading and not skimming.

When you betray my friendship. That's it. Game over. There really are no second chances. If you don't have loyalty or trust, then you don't have friendship.

There was a person in my life, previously, who I considered a good friend. Well that friendship was betrayed. There was lying. There was deceipt. There was a lot of other stuff. I severed the relationship, however, I still wanted to be amicable. I had every intention of wanting the friendship to end "friendly". No, she was no longer in my "Circle of Trust" but I didn't want hard feelings and I didn't want animosity. Life is too short.

As months went on, I started hearing the absurd things that she was saying about me. Accusing me of doing such stupid stuff that is so trivial. My life doesn't revolve around getting revenge, holding grudges, etc. She assumed it did. She assumed a lot of things and she talked about it. Lots. Well, I know a lot of people and lets just say, everything ever said about me, came back to me.

Recently, she told someone that she feels bad how things went down between us and said we just don't get along now. Well, who's fault is that? I did everything I could to make things end friendly.

So, when you look around, and you realize that you have no friends. Not one girlfriend, maybe you will realize that you had a true friend at one time. Someone who remembered your birthday. Sent you flowers. Brought you things back from trips. Listened to your problems, gave you advice.  What do you have now? That's what I thought.

I, am blessed with a lot of wonderful ladies in my life that I consider true friends. The vast amount of close frienships that I have is all the proof to me that I know how to be a true friend. A loyal friend. A trustworthy friend. Some could learn from our friendships.

The Question

So, for the second time ever, I was asked The Question.  It is a simple question.  An innocent question.  A dreaded question.

So, how's your Mom doing?

Both times I have been asked this question, it was people, who knew my mom and one knew of her illness.  Both didn't know that she died.  They both felt horrible and I feel awful that they felt that way.

The first time, was about a month after my mother passed.  An old, childhood friend, was home visiting and was in the salon.  She asked and I responded.  I know she felt bad and I assured her it was okay.  I was fine and it truly was a blessing.

So, time passed.  I knew I would get The Question again some day.  Tonight I did.  A previous client, who gets her nails done occasionally was in tonight and while catching up, she asked The Question.  I had no idea how much that question was going to hit me.  It's been over five months.

I got a huge lump in my throat.  I instantly felt my eyes start to tear up and my voice quivered when I told her that my mom had passed away in June.  Again, the question asker felt horrible.  Again, I assured her it was okay and told her of my surprise at my reaction.

I realized that I still, really haven't let myself totally break down.  Why?  I don't know.  Maybe I am afraid if I let the gates open, I will never be able to close them again.  I guess I just never realized how much I was going to truly, emotionally and physically miss my mom.

Trick or Treat

So, Wednesday was Trick-or-Treat in the Ford City area.  I finished up at the salon at 7:00 and headed down to BFF Jill's Salon to help pass out treats. 

I was greeted by this sign.  Teens in no costume is a big pet peeve of Jill's.  Hey, if you have a costume on, cool!  This is even despite the fact that Trick-or-Treat is for 12 year olds and under. 

We heard of a lady who solved her disgust of teens coming with no costumes, smoking cigarettes, while they are TOTing and never say thank you.  She saved all year.  Ketchup packs. From Wendys, McDonalds, you name it.  When those kids came to her door, that is what she gave them!  GENIOUS!!  They had no clue, either!  Can you imagine their surprise at the end of the night when they check out their loot!

So, next pet peeve on BFF Jill's list is tiny babies, either in strollers or being carried around and the adult has a bag and expects a treat.  So, are you telling me that the baby eats that candy?  Um no..............the adult does.   We all love to look at little ones in costume, but is it necessary to give them candy that they can't eat?  To solve this problem for next year, BFF Jill is purchasing a case of baby food and will be giving that to babies under a year old.  GENIOUS!!

Now, my pet peeve is the mothers that are taking their kids TOTing and dressed in costume as well.  I have no problem with this except for when these costumes are obviously stippers or hookers.  I am telling you I have never seen so many ass cheeks.  Roller Derby is more modest than TOT night was.  I am talking tiny booty shorts, with ruffles and ass hanging out with a tail back there with a Madonna bra on and nothing else.  First of all, what the fuck are you?  Madonna with a tail?  A stripper with a tail.  What is up with this tail?

To solve this, next year, I will be handing out clothes to these hoochies.  See, between three of us, we have solved all of the issues!

Tonight is the annual, getting dressed up and going out night.  I am not all about dressing like a slut on Halloween, I am all about dressing Scary.  Remember last year?  Carrie.  I won Scariest Costume.  This year is Medusa.  Will I out due myself?  We will see!

Happy Birthday Travis

Well, today is little Kissy Face's birthday.  Yes, my Travis is three years old today.  I can't believe it's been three years.  He has really turned into an exceptional dog.  He is attached to my hip.  I could get up and go to another room every five minutes all day long and he would follow me each time.

He is a bed hog.  He is still very vocal, making exasperated groans when he lays down and makes roo roo noises when he yawns.  He still counter surfs, but only when Daddy is cooking.  He likes to steal his buns when he is out grilling.

He's my coffee buddy in the morning.  He's my snuggle bunny at night.  He is my fierce protector, keeping me safe from UPS trucks, the garbage truck, squirrels, bunnies, birds any anything else he has decided is not worthy of my time.  He's my little daredevil, but most of all, he's mine.

Happy Birthday Travis, Travee, Kissy Face, Little T, T-Rex, and all the other bazillion nicknames you have!

Miss Rudy and Chip

While looking at my blog today, remembering Chip, I recalled how Chip came into our lives about a month before Miss Rudy our guinea pig went to the Rainbow Bridge.  She was nearly seven years old, they usually live to be about five.  I remember thinking that Chip was a gift from God, to help us through losing Rudy.

Imagine my surprise when I read my blog post about her passing.  I realized that Chip passed away two years to the day that Rudy did.  WOW.  Chip is buried right next to Rudy in the same peaceful spot.  I am sure that they are together again, on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge, along with all of our other fur babies, who have made the crossing through the years.  Look out for each other girls!

My Sweet Chip

I had a great weekend getaway with friends this weekend.  When I came home, called to Chip, like I normally do, however, this time she did not come to greet me by climbing as high as she could and shaking the cage to try to get my attention.  I thought maybe she was asleep, so I tried waking her up.  Nothing.  Then I thought that maybe she had somehow gotten out.  Nope, checked the cage for any sign of escape and nothing.

I called Mr. Bruises to see when the last time he saw her.  He mentioned that she wasn't up this morning running on her wheel like normal and thought maybe she was taking a nap.  The last time I saw her was early Saturday morning before I left to meet with my friends.

I found her, all curled up under her hollow log.  It looks as though she went to sleep and never woke up.  She looked comfy and peaceful.  I am heartbroken.  I expected to enjoy her company for many more years.

I will be honest, I've never researched how long they live.  I also, don't know if she had any issues that wouldn't allow her to live longer either.  The way I look at it, she was supposed to die September 10, 2008.  That was the day that I found her as a baby, soaking wet in the middle of the road.  I scooped her up, took her home and somehow nursed her back to health.  She lost half of her tail somehow, but she seemed to be thriving through these last two years.

I have a new respect and love for these creatures after sharing my home with on for over two years.  She wasn't like a hamster, up all night.  She was like us.  She got up at 7:00 in the morning and she went to bed at 7:00 at night.  In those 12 hours that she was out and about, she ran on her wheel constantly.

When we first got her, she was in a smaller cage and she had a hamster wheel.  She used to get that thing going so fast that she would shoot out of it.  Here's a video that I shot that always cracks me up when I watch it.

For her first Christmas, she got a new, bigger wheel.  She escaped for the first time that day as we were trying to put the wheel in her cage.  We had her in the living room in a huge bird cage with lots of branches and logs for her to climb on.  Each time I would clean her cage, I would not only remove all of her stash of nuts and things that she was storing, but I would move her branches all around.  I felt that it kept life interesting for her.

She was a part of the family.  Travis loved to look at her.  Mr. Bruises shared his breakfast bananas with her.  I would call her name all of the time just to see her react to my voice.

Wow, this just really sucks.  I had no clue our time was going to be so short and I miss her already.

God speed, sweet Chip.