Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Candelabra Memory

I remember as a kid, having these beautiful crystal candelabras that we would use on special occasions. I went to catholic school, so they always reminded me of ones that they used in church.

One Christmas, when I was about seven years old, my mother and grandmother had a Christmas party. In our dining room, they decorated by hanging twistie streamers from each corner of the room to the chandelier that was in the middle of the room. They had a very large paper bell hanging from the middle, where all the streamers met. The table was decorated with a paper, holiday table cloth.

The next morning, I was the first one up. I was admiring the streamers and noticed that the candelabras were out. Grown ups get to have all the fun while the children are sleeping.

I decided, in the quiet of the morning, that I wanted to pretend I was a priest and use the candelabra like a priest would at mass. So, I lit the three candles, climbed up on one of the chairs and grabbed the candelabra with both hands.

I thrust the candelabra to the sky saying "In the name of the father" then brought it down below eye level saying "And of the son" as I was moving it to the left saying "And of the Holy.........", I never got to finish by saying Ghost. By this time, the paper bell was on fire and had fallen onto the paper tablecloth. At this point, the table was on fire!

I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a bucket and quickly filled it with water. I somehow managed to put the fire out quickly. I am scared shitless at this point, knowing that my ass is going to get beat. I ran to my mothers room and quickly announced that I was going to visit my Aunt Marge and ran out of the house and ran the two blocks to her house, in my pajamas.

By the time I arrived at Aunt Marge's I was met at the door and told I needed to go right back home. I don't remember what my punishment was, but I do know that I didn't touch those candelabras again in years.

I really don't know if I have them. When I cleaned out my mother's apartment two years ago, if she still had them, I am sure I kept them due to this memory, however, her stuff is in storage. I really hope that I have them. If not, I will never forget them!

Monday, December 29, 2008

Customer Service - What is it?

I am not usually one to complain. I did, however, complain to Sheetz headquarters, last year, about their cashiers. There is one particular cashier in Ford City, that doesn't have a clue about customer service. At first I thought she was having a bad day but after about a month of bad days, I realized that she just sucked.

When I would approach the counter, there would be no greeting. She would ring up my items, but she would never tell me my total. After I paid and was given my change, she wouldn't even hand me my bag and she never once thanked me.

It got to the point where I would purposely just stand there and stare at her until she would tell me what my total was. Some days it was a total stare down. She's looking at me like I am stupid and I am looking at her knowing she's stupid. Finally, it clicks and she tells me my total. Still, no greeting and no thanks.

So, I wrote to home office. I was assured that it would be addressed. I can say that one year later, I still have the stare down with her.

So, tonight, I had a similar experience at the Butler WalMart. I watched this young, douchebag boy cashier move at a snails pace with the two people in line in front of me. I noticed that he didn't seem to ever say a word.

When it was my turn, no greeting, so I swiped my card and waited for the "Did your cashier greet you today" to which I replied NO. I then stood there and watched him scan 24 identical cans of cat food individually. Each can swipe was approximately 3 seconds. Pick up can, swipe, put in bag, repeat. I guess the idea of hitting Quantity 24 and scanning one can, placing all 24 cans that are in a box into a bag and being done with it all in 5 seconds was beyond him.

So, he's finished scanning my items. No total. I realize I am paying with my card but MOST cashiers will say your total. What if I couldn't see the total and was using my debit card??
Lastly, he handed me my receipt. No thank you. Actually, the only word that he said to me was "Here" as he turned the bag thingie towards me.

On my way out, I flagged down a Customer Service Manager and pretty much told him that the cashier at Lane 25 was a douche bag. I plan to follow up with an email.

Customer service sucks now adays. The youth of today have no initiative to do anything. I really don't think that asking to be greeted, told my total and thanked for my purchase is too much to ask for. The douchebag should apply for a job at Sheetz. Sounds to me like he is management material!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Christmas Photos!

I thought you guys may enjoy seeing some Christmas photos. I know I really enjoy looking at others photos. This was Travis' first true Christmas. Last year, he spent it alone in a cold barn. This is also Chip's first Christmas as well!

Travis is enjoying his Christmas bone. Both Riley and Travis got one on Christmas Eve.

Since Travis is the low dog on the totum pole, he got to be the one humiliated with the bells this year. Riley is totally thrilled that he isn't the youngest any longer!

Kitty gazes at the Christmas tree and wonders when the heck we are going to open presents.

The boys check out all the presents under the tree with Daddy. They are trying to figure out which ones are theirs!

Daddy helps Riley with a present.

While Travis rips into one of his.

Riley gets in on the ripping action.

OMG, it's Giraffe!!! Giraffe, where have you been?!? (Riley forgets that he disemboweled Giraffe last year and this is a new one)

No Kitty! That's MY Giraffe!

Travis gets a really tough toy, one that he supposedly can't destroy.

Kitty checking out her new bed, waiting for Daddy to insert the catnip.

Last, but not least, Chip is enjoying his new wheel. This photo was taken today. Christmas day, as I was putting it into his cage, he got all freaked out and was running around like crazy. Well, he ran real fast up the front of the cage and flipped out of the door. He was running loose in the house for about 15 minutes. Nick and I finally got him in a towel and safely returned him to his cage. We were real sweaty! Chip loves his new wheel!

Happy New Year everyone!!

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas Cam!

I purchased a webcam a few days ago. My goal is to broadcast, live, Mr. Bruises attempting to cook Christmas dinner. In the meantime, I have had it on Chip. People are loving it! They are all waiting for Chip to open his present, which is a LARGE new wheel. He loves his little wheel, but he goes so fast, he flies out of it.

Mr. Bruises is still in bed. Too many Coronas last night. As soon as he gets his ass out of bed, Chip can have his wheel. I will then put the camera in the kitchen around noon for the cooking fiasco. I hope I can get it in there and set up without him knowing. He has done NOTHING to prepare so far, so this should be good. I have a frozen pizza as a back up plan.

Merry Christmas and enjoy the holiday chaos from the Bruises house!

Edited to remove the live cam embed, Chip is sleeping and dinner has been served!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The Penis Parade

Today is the annual Penis Parade at The Purple Pinkie. It's Christmas Eve and there will be a constant parade of men coming in to purchase gift certificates. Every year, I open up from noon until 3:00 just for them. It's a tradition now.

Here's to hoping that the penis in your life starts and finishes his shopping today and gets you something nice!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

DAOTW, It's me!

I am not above crowning myself The Dumb Ass of the Week. Turns out, this week, it is me. See, I forgot that I live in Pennsylvania. I forgot, yesterday, that it was like, zero degrees out.

I hate dirty windows. When it rains really hard, the water runs between the building and the awning at the salon, leaving dirty streaks. This drives me nuts. Yesterday, I went to clean the windows and low and behold, the Windex froze on the windows!

Who would think that Windex would freeze on windows in single digit temeratures? A dumbass would never consider that!! I am wearing my crown and wearing it well!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Mr. Bruises is Cooking Christmas Dinner

Last year was the first time I had to cook Christmas dinner. I've cooked Thanksgiving dinner many times and don't mind, I am busy at the salon then but not as busy as I am at Christmas. I did not get to enjoy Christmas at all last year, all I did was work, cook and clean. Mr. Bruises and I agreed last year that it will be different this year.

Well, a year has passed and Mr. Bruises has a bad memory. He is insisting that we have the full, sit-down, repeat of Thanksgiving dinner that his mother always had. My family was more casual. We had ham and other goodies and you made a plate as you came and went.

After debating this for a week, he has informed me that he will cook the dinner ALL BY HIMSELF. Right. Well, I am booked solid in the salon Monday and Tuesday. On Christmas Eve, I have to work selling gift certificates. I then have to take Riley out to visit my mom. There is no way in hell I am going to come home and start preparing for the next day's meal. Then, Christmas morning we would open presents and I would cook, cook, cook, then we would eat, then I would have to clean, clean, clean. NO WAY. So fine. He can do it himself.

I made him a grocery list and he went, by himself, yesterday and got everything he needs. He did call me, no less than six times from the store to ask questions. I did help him organize everything and put things away. I reminded him that I would make the pie and jello dessert and cole slaw, but the rest was his responsibility. He said he knew.

I can't wait to see him attempt to make stuffing. This is going to be good. I think he is banking on the fact that I won't be able to stand watching him flailing in the kitchen and will give in and do it all. Well, he is going to be pleasantly surprised. I am going to liquor myself up so I don't care what is happening in the kitchen.

The holidays. You got to love them. Otherwise, you would just stick your head in the oven with the turkey. Or better yet, up the turkey's ass!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Santa Bar Crawl?

I came across this picture that i took last year. I was sitting in traffic on East Carson Street, when all of a sudden a door opened and into the street poured, I kid you not, at least 50 Santas! I always have my camera with me so I snapped a photo.

I have no idea what was going on, it was just very odd seeing so many Santas at one time. I can only assume that they were on a Santa Bar Crawl?!?

Friday, December 19, 2008

Seventeen Days

Seventeen days and this will be me. Siting on a beach, pina colada in hand, reading a book or listening to my Ipod. In Punta Cana.

We were there about five years ago, I am ready to go back. I just hope I don't kill Mr. Bruises on Wednesday. Usually by Wednesday of my week's vacation, I am ready to go home and back to work and Mr. Bruises annoyance level is in the red zone.

Note to self..........Must drink more pina coladas!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

GNO Christmas!

Saturday, the GNO Girls and I had lunch at the Olive Garden, in the Pittsburgh Mills. We all worked together at the credit union and as we left, one by one, we pledged to all get together once a month to have dinner. We used to be a little more rowdier and GNO stands for Girls Night Out. Lately, we've been getting together every month or so. Saturday was our Christmas get together.

I am happy to say that none of us work there anymore, but the friendship that we found as co-workers has proved that it is going to last a lifetime. These are some of by best friends.

Robin is first. She is actually Nick's cousin. She is married to an Adam Sandler look-a-like. Then there is ME! Heidi is next. Heidi actually worked at the cycle shop for awhile and just recently dyed her hair dark. Next is Connie. Connie sometimes bails on us and we take her image on a stick with us and introduce her to strangers and take a picture with them. Finally, is Sue With the Big Boobs. Sue is my vertically, challenged friend who once purchased a pair of pants and was amazed that they didn't need hemmed. She realized later that they were "Clam Diggers"

Sue's boobs are very talented. I have personally seen them type. I hear that they play piano as well and one once got stuck in a folding chaise lounge.

Connie's boobs are a close second. She once left boob prints in her son's birthday cake and didn't know it because the evidence was not visible to her. They also have been known to wash windows.

We used to go on trips and our mantra was "It isn't a GNO trip unless someone pukes or pees their pants" I've done both at the same time thanks to choking on a Dorito crumb. I miss those trips!

Props goes out to Cherie, the best server at the Olive Garden. She put up with us with a smile on her face the entire time!!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Mr. Bruises Hits Double Fours!

Yesterday was Mr. Bruises' birthday. I think it would suck having a birthday so close to Christmas. I've always made sure that I've made his birthday special. I never, ever, take what was meant as a Christmas gift and give it to him for his birthday, I always make sure I get him something special. I never, ever, ever, wrap his birthday present in Christmas paper either.

Mr. Bruises likes chocolate cake with chocolate icing for his birthday. It's hard to find one already made, so I usually end up making his cake. I love how, in the photo, Travis is clearly helping him blow out his candles on his cake. Since we are in our forties now, we no longer put actual number of candles on cakes anymore. The main reason is, by the time you get the last one lit, the first one is almost gone. Seriously. We have resorted to using those big number candles. This year, I opted to write out two fours with candles. It worked pretty good.
The best part of birthdays are the presents. Mr. Bruises had been wanting a SCDD hoodie with his name on it forever. I always told him it was for skaters and refs only. Elsa Slam let me order him one in the last order. I think this was his favorite present this year.

Happy Birthday, Mr. Bruises!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


Mont started this all over at Facebook. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading every ones, so I thought I would post mine here at my blog as well.

You are to write 16 random things about yourself and then you are to tag 16 people to do the same and list the reasons why you tagged them. I am not going to tag anyone here, but I would like you to post a comment with a random thing about yourself. Feel free to post more than one thing!

1. I could eat pizza 365 days a year, 3 meals a day, and my pizza of choice is Pizzaria with pepperoni and banana peppers. Actually, if I was on death row, this would be my last meal.

2. I love high school football and I have season tickets - GO SABERS!

3. I have loved the color purple for as long as I can remember.

4. I can imitate a chicken so well that chickens can't tell the difference.

5. I have a sensitive gag reflex, certain smells or thoughts will get me going and people laugh and think I am going to throw up, but I never do.

6. My sense of smell is amazing.

7. If stranded on a deserted island with Nick and Riley and I had the last bite of food, I would share with Riley and when Nick died of starvation, we would eat him.

8. I once was so drunk that I projectile vomited potato chips out of my nose.

9. I have a turtle that is named after Jeffrey Dahmer. His name was originally Jack, but after he ATE his brother Will, I changed his name.

10. I have a pet chipmunk that I rescued as a baby, I found him soaking wet, dying, in the middle of the road. After nursing him back to health, he was no longer afraid of people or cats, so he stayed.

11. I am an only child of an only child, married to an only child of an only child. Both of us have half siblings who live in other states from our fathers.

12. I can hang four spoons off of my face at one time. I am currently working on adding two more. (See photographic evidence)

13. I play roller derby for Pittsburgh's Steel City Derby Demons. I've wanted to be a rollergirl since I was seven.

14. In 2005, I competed nationally as a nail tech, I finished the season ranked number 7.

15. I hate milk, it's like pond scum to me. I also hate ice cream cakes on my birthday.

16. I collect year books. It started with Ford City, but recently expanded to Kittanning. If anyone ever comes across any available, let me know!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Pneumonia sucks!

Twelve days ago, I awoke with a dull pain between my shoulder blades. I knew that I was going to get sick. Mr. Bruises had been hacking in my face, while sleeping, for about three weeks now. I decided to fight the sickness head on.

I loaded myself up with Emergen-C three times daily, I took Mr. Bruises' cough syrup with codeine three times a day and I took Ibuprofen to get rid of my aches and keep a fever at bay.

Well, through all this playing doctor, I've learned, after finally getting into see the doctor on Thursday, a number of things. First, I am allergic to codeine, hence the rash on my torso. Second, by not allowing myself to cough at all, I now have pneumonia.

I am on some strong antibiotics and I now have an inhaler. I've developed a slight case of asthma as well. I've noticed a number of times this season, at derby practice, that I would get to the point, where it was hard to breathe. It seemed to me like it was an asthma attack, but as far as I knew I didn't have it. Well, I do.

The lesson to be learned by this is to not play doctor, it can backfire on you. I have insurance now, I should use it. I am paying the price for it now, but I do have a spiffy red inhaler that I totally plan to bling out.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

New DAOTW Awardee

It's been awhile since I've awarded a Dumb Ass of the Week, but I heard of one last week and thought it was time to hand out another. This recipient and I actually have a long history.

When I was right out of high school, while going to college, I worked at Jamesway Department Store. I was a cashier. Dumbass, was the night Service Desk girl. She was an old lady then, with gray hair, that she dyed black and obviously went to the salon every Friday and had it washed, teased and sprayed into this high, towering bouffant. She then applied the reddest lipstick to her lips and drew in her eyebrows with a black pencil. With pale, white skin, abnormally, black hair and hooker, red lips, black, pointy eyebrows, she was even more annoying when you heard her screechy voice. Couple that with the fact that she was four foot tall and you have not only got your self a dumbass, you've got a royal pain in the ass.

One day, she wasn't able to operate her cash register and she was constantly hitting buttons and it was squealing at her. I kept advising her that all she had to do was hit the clear key and it would stop. She continued to hit buttons and the noise and squealing was deafening. I told her for the fifth time to hit the clear button and she just went off on me like a top. She was in my face, shaking her finger at me, screaming at me. I asked her three times, calmly to stop it. After she continued, I had no other choice. I slapped her across the face.

Seeing the bewilderment on her face was priceless. I shut her up. I don't think anyone on Earth had ever shit her up. All in all, her little episode got her demoted and I didn't even get written up. I soon became her sister-in-law's hero. She worked with us as well. She told me in the lunch room the next day that she had been dying to slap her for 36 years.

So, imagine my non-surprise, when I hear this week a current story about Dumbass. Someone asked her if she was going to go shopping on Black Friday, to which she replied "That's only for black people". Whaaa?? Is she out of her flipping mind??!? Now mind you, she is in her seventies now, but come on, she worked retail and yes her hair and makeup are still the same.

Makes me want to go back in time and slap her a second time. Dumbass!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Sickness and Santa

I have been nasty sick since last Tuesday. My lungs are filled with all kinds of goop that makes me cough endlessly. Luckily, I haven't had to deal with the sinus issues, thanks to the Nettie Pot. For the past week, I have been surviving on Emergen-C, Ibuprofen and Mr. Bruises' cough syrup with codeine.

The cough syrup makes Mr. Bruises go night-night almost immediately. Me? Two teaspoons every six hours just makes me restless. I thought I was okay on the syrup until I walked to the mailbox at the salon. I was amazed to see how I parked my car that morning. I have no idea, how I swung into my spot without taking out the flower pots. Yes, purple flowers bloom at The Purple Pinkie all year long, don't be hating.

Yesterday was day seven of sickness and I needed to go Christmas shopping. I really don't have many people to purchase presents for, but I do have a niece and nephew (from my half brother) and three great nephews and one great niece (from Mr. Bruises' two half sister's children, who are our age). So, I trudged out in all my sick glory hoping to get through it all without having a coughing attack and peeing myself simultaneously.

I headed to Target in Butler. I love Target, wish we had one closer. Soon, I was all engrossed in the toy section. It takes me forever to pick out toys for the kids. I ended up getting Marley a Barbie and some clothes, Nicholas a huge, noisy monster truck, Timmy a talking Winnie the Poo telephone and Amber a sweet Tinkerbell doll. The oldest two will get gift cards.

Even though I felt like crap, because I am The World's Greeter, I approached everyone with a smile. Even though under by breath I was saying "Get the eff out of my way". I was actually met back with smiles and politeness. I was shocked.

Let's get down to the nitty gritty. Santa is a WOMAN. Let's face it. The women do all the shopping, all the wrapping, all the decorating, all the holiday cards, all the cooking and all the cleaning. A man hardly ever contributes anything to the holiday, yet the figure that gets all the credit is a man.

Here's to getting through another Christmas ladies! Suck it up and put on your santa hats. Now who wants to come wrap all the eff'n presents I have on my kitchen table? I'll share my cough syrup with you!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Heading Back To My Roots

Before the rumor mill gets out of control, yes, I dropped into the draft pool. This was a decision I've been struggling with for some time now. I love the Hellions and I will always be a Hellion at heart, but I just feel like I might be able to contribute more to another team.

I think I got spoiled when I was Fresh Meat. My squad was the first ever and we were a unique dozen of girls. We all cared about each other so much and were supportive. There wasn't anything but healthy competition. We all have a bond that lasts till this day. There is a special connection between us that didn't disappear when we were broken into teams. We are friends and probably will be for the long haul.

Once I got on a team, I expected that bonding experience to be double. It wasn't even close to half. I felt most of the time, like a fish out of water. This is not knocking the Hellions, it's just how they are. They are all business because they mean business. Who knows, maybe all the teams are like this.

I tried to remember when I was the happiest, when I still had the fire burning inside. That would be when I was Fresh Meat and waiting, patiently to be drafted to a team. I want that fire inside again. I want to feel that excitement as I drive the hour to practice. I want to feel exhilaration on the hour drive home.

That's why, I am heading back to my roots. I'm back to Fresh Meat/Draft Pool and I am looking forward to a new beginning.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Weirdo on Route 28 North

On Saturday, we encountered a car on Route 28 North. The driver was driving and videotaping at the same time. We have no idea why.

We had stopped at a naughty store to get a couple gag gifts for one of Jill's fireman friends, who was turning 21. As we passed the vehicle, we made sure that the driver got a good look at the centerfold.

He continued to follow us and continued to video tape. We slowed down a number of times and he would not pass us. Finally he made his move and we were ready! We video taped him and he floored it to get past us!

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Photos taken from a moving vehicle..

Now, I will admit, I have taken a number of photos while driving, however, I miss all kinds of things because I have to actually drive. Saturday, it was nice to be a passenger for a change and I got lots of opportunities to take random photos. Enjoy!

Here is a random jogger that we encountered on the 40th street bridge. She smiled as Jill heckled her from the front seat.

Then of course, I got all nostalgic as we approached mile marker 23 on route 28. This is the exact spot where I sat for hours after running out of gas. I coasted my car in reverse until I was safely off of the bridge.

Here is the notorious mile marker 23.

Who knew that Fabio was such an artist?

Finally, Becky made me take a photo of "hot guy's" house.

Come back tomorrow, when I post a video of some freak that was video taping, while driving on 28.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Toe Jam!

Okay, this license plate just begged to be photographed. Who has a vanity plate that says "Toe Jam"??? I guess someone in West Virginia does!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

The Bathroom Tour Continues...

While dining at Rolland's in the strip this weekend, I used their bathroom. I asked those that I was with if I needed to take my camera with me and I was told that it wasn't anything special. Well, after I did my business, I had to get my camera and return. I guess those losers just don't appreciate three pedestal sinks in a row with circular mirrors above each. I think it's gorgeous!

Be sure to check out the other bathrooms by clicking on the "bathrooms" label below!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Class of 83 dinner

Saturday evening, a number of Class of 83 members and myself had dinner at Garda's. Even though I graduated in 84, Mr. Bruises graduated in 83 and I have a large number of friends in his class. Mr. Bruises had to work and we all know he really isn't a social being, so I went without him. In this photo is Donna and Kris in front and me, Deanna and Theresa in the back.

We had a wonderful time chatting, reminiscing and just plain catching up on life. A few of these girls I've known since catholic school, like Deanna pictured with me and I count them amongst my best friends.
Theresa and Vicki and all of us had so much fun that we decided that we are going to do it again at Christmas!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

A day at The Strip!

Saturday, Jill, Becky, Brian and I went shopping in The Strip District. It was quite an adventure. They drug me in a ton of stores and I bought all kinds of food I will never have the opportunity to eat.

One of the stops was Wholey's Fish Market. Jill was all excited because the accordion player was there. He was playing Christmas carols that day. I got a nice smile from him as I walked past while taking his photo.

Out Front, they have these scary looking fishermen dummies. Of course, Jill had to violate one of them.

Once inside, we see all the fish! The sign says "clean yourself". Becky, I don't think they mean with your tongue!

Jill decided that she wanted to kiss one of them. At this point, an older, female Wholey's employee is eyeing us suspiciously and offers us a shopping basket.

There were mirrors above the fish counter that just screamed for a photo op. I love the looks on the random stranger's faces, behind us in the photo.

In the strip, we encountered all kinds of ethnic food. Some were confusing. I can see a number of adolescents attempting to smoke asparagus now. Grass? really? Who calls asparagus grass?

Our favorite find was this special "flavor" of soup. I can see all kinds of Lorena Bobbit inspired women making this scrumptious soup for the upcoming holidays! I have a fondness for Lorena, afterall, she "is" the most famous manicurist of them all!

The day was complete, when I returned home and saw how happy Chip was that I bought him a pound of fresh chestnuts!