Wednesday, November 7, 2007

I miss my Mom

I hate this time of year. Really, I do. I wake up every morning feeling like crap. I start to get very depressed. So, it's no surprise that I am feeling this way, it happens every year.

Lately, I've been very sad about my Mom. I miss her. Yes, she is still here and all, but she is not the same Mom she used to be. I miss my Mom.

My Mom was great. My Mom used to be me, just in an older form. I got my independent attitude from her, my outspoken nature as well as my get-go and my outgoing personality. My Mom was all of that and then some. It just saddens me now to see her not want to do anything but lay in a bed all day long and watch M*A*S*H.

She's not depressed. She's totally happy, totally content to live her life in a nursing home, laying around, watching TV and having others wait on her hand and foot. It kills me. She's 60, she has so much left to live for. Who am I, though, to tell her how to live her life.

She is disabled, due to her renal disease. Top that off with not having the use of her right arm, her dominate arm and she needs assistance to live day to day. She shouldn't need total assistance, though.

I used to get really angry when I would go to see her. Angry that she wants to live this way. Angry that I feel cheated out of at least 10 years with my mother. Angry to the point that I didn't enjoy seeing her or visiting with her.

Before my mother-in-law, Nancy died, we had a long talk about my Mom. She was amazed, like me, that Mom would just pretty much give up. Nancy was recovering from heart surgery at the time and wanted to do everything she could to get better and back to a normal life. Sadly this wasn't in the plan for her.

Nancy did give me some advice during one of our last conversations before she passed away. She told me that sometimes you need to take whatever bad feelings you are having, and put them in a box, on a shelf and tell yourself that you will deal with those later. Since then, I have tried doing this. I've tried to just go and enjoy being with my Mom.

For the most part, I have been successful with Nancy's advice. But some days, I just really miss my Mom. To be honest, I miss Nick's Mom too.


Erin said...

Your mom is beautiful. That's really great advice that Nancy gave you, too, but I completely understand how there are still times when you miss your mom. My mom is in decent health, but personality-wise and emotionally she's just not the same anymore. I miss my mom, too. :(

The Purple Pinkie said...

Thank you. I know what you are saying too. I can totally read that in your posts about your mom too.