Visiting

Yesterday, I did what I have done for five years now.  I went to Nancy, Nick's mothers grave to visit her for her birthday.  As usual, I weeded around her name plate and put a new bouquet of pink tulips.  Pink was her favorite color.  She was also a big fan of tulips.

While there, I noticed that another friend is buried just a couple of rows over.  I don't know why I never noticed this before.  Maybe because I never walk around.  I go, do my thing, say a few words and I am on my way.  I will now add Kevin to my list of visits.

Putting the FUN Back in Dysfunctional

I've said for awhile now, that I should write a book about my totally dysfunctional childhood.  I've always said if I did write it, I would call it "How to Put the Fun Back in Dysfunctional".  But seriously, the dysfunctionality still goes on.  I've waited a bit before I sat down to write about this because I didn't want to write it angry.

Readers of this blog know that my father wasn't too involved in my life.  I am certain that he doesn't know my birthday.  I am pretty sure that I am not an important part of his life.  Time and time again, the man has turned his back on me.  Just recently, I gave him another shot, only to be dissed, yet once again.

In January, I got a friend request from him.  My initial reaction was NO WAY.  I was at the salon at the time and I was doing my friend, Lisa's nails.  I was telling her about it and said that I was going to ignore the request.  Lisa lost her father a year ago, right before I lost my mom.  Lisa said to me that she would give anything to get a friend request from her father.  Well, I would give anything to get a friend request from my mother!  Anyhow, her comment stuck with me and I started to feel guilty.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was reaching out to me and maybe he wanted to make an effort to be in my life.  So I hit approve.  I thought if anything, maybe I will get a Happy Birthday from this man since Facebook was now going to remind him that I had a birthday coming up.

I hooked him up with other family members on Facebook.  He made a few comments here and there.  I was in Punta Cana for my birthday.  I didn't get a Happy Birthday from the man.  The only thing I got was a comment on one of my pictures that I posted from paradise that said "Lucky people"  Really?  That's all you got?  Soooooooooooooo I am lucky that I worked my ass off all year long to save and pay to go on a vacation for my birthday?  That's not luck.  That's hard work.  Seriously, you can't see up in the upper left hand side of your screen that your fucking first born is celebrating her 44th birthday?

I just let it go.  In 44 years, I can count on my two hands how many times my birthday was acknowledged and most of those times the WOMAN in his life was responsible for him either remembering or doing anything.

So, time goes on.  Nothing.  No comments when it is obvious that I am struggling with the loss of my mother.  No comments of comfort for me on HER birthday.  Nothing.

My sister in law finally gets on Facebook and sends me a request.  I go to her wall to post FINALLY!  I've been after her to join the fun for years.  I happened to see that she had him listed as a family member and I thought, wonder what he's up to.  I clicked on his profile and was dumbfounded.  HE DELETED ME as a friend!  Who the hell deletes their own child as a friend on Facebook?  My father does.

I have no idea why.  I can only imagine that he somehow found my blog here and read my memories.  Yes that is right, MY MEMORIES.  I am so sorry if my memories of you are painful for you to read.  I am so sorry if you feel that my memories are things other people planted in my brain, yet these are MEMORIES.  Instead of trying to man up and be a father for once, yet again he takes the easy way out.  He turned his back on me yet once again.  I guess the truth really does hurt, huh?

I will admit, I am beyond pissed off.  I think I am more pissed off at myself for being so fucking stupid to give this man another chance.  When will I learn?  Well, I think I finally have.

So there are a few things I would like to say.  I have become the woman I am today DESPITE you.  I am an honest, caring person.  I have a gazillion people who I can call friend and they call me a friend.  I am an educated, successful woman with her own business.  I have a successful soon to be 19 year marriage.  I am compassionate.  I am all of these things and the person I am DESPITE you.  I have my mother to thank for all of this.  Without her I would have amounted to nothing.

Thank you so much for turning your back on me yet again.  Thank you for reminding me why I didn't want to approve your request in the first place.  Thank you for keeping your fucked up life away from me.  I will NEVER miss what I NEVER had.  And now, I am finished being angry with you.  I am just finished period.

I Finally Found Her

Say what you want about Facebook. Bitch about them constantly changing things on you, complain that it's a big time waster, say, whatever you want. I would just like you to know that I love Facebook. Why? Because it is bringing people together. I haven't seen my cousin Lisa since her mother died and I can't even remember how long ago that was. The picture is my Aunt Betty, my father's sister and my cousin Lisa, who is four years older than I am.

I would think of Lisa often. She was the older cousin that I idolized as a child. He hair was always longer than mine, she was prettier, she was a cheerleader, she was popular in high school, she lived in a nice house and had her own room. I always tried to be like her. If she did a back walk-over, I needed to learn how to do one. She had an Irish Setter named Shaunna, when I got my pure white Siberian Husky puppy what do you think I named it? Shaunna, well her official name was Keishaunna because her mother was Keisha.

The last time I saw Lisa, I think I was in my early twenties. She was living in Pittsburgh and she wrote her address down for me on a piece of paper. She lived on Whitney Avenue. I still have that piece of paper. I've thought of her often through the years. I've actually searched online for her countless times. I figured that she had gotten married and that was why I wasn't finding things on her because she has a new last name.

Last night, for some reason, I was determined to find her. Maybe it was because on Monday, when Jill and I were shopping, we went into an Antique House and there was a bedroom, upstairs, that was filled with porcelain dolls. My Aunt Betty made dolls. One regret I have is that I never took her up on her offer to make a doll with her.

I was searching Facebook, thinking Lisa HAD to be on there. I searched by her maiden last name and saw some youngsters that I was certain were her nieces and nephews. Finally, I decided to look on Classmates for the billionth time. This time, I hit pay dirt. She had a profile and it had photos AND her new last name. I immediately went to FB, plugged in the name and boom, she was the first one listed AND she lives in Orange County, CA now. No wonder I couldn't find her!

I sent her a friend request and a note and within the hour, she approved me and popped up in FB chat. At one point she stated "I could just cry" to which I replied "I am crying, seriously" and I was, however, I wasn't going to admit that first! LOL

She has a handsome husband George and two beautiful sons, Alex and Eli. Eli definitely has the Anthony genes in him. Funny thing is, he looks like another cousin's son when he was that age and his name is Eli as well.

I am so thankful that I finally found her. I really don't have any contact with my father. He was the youngest, so all of my aunts and uncles are deceased. I have pretty much no contact with anyone from that side of the family. I am so thankful that I have contact with Lisa now.

Thank you Facebook, for bringing us together. Now get rid of that FarmTown bullshit. I just became a Fan of "Not Playing FarmTown", along with 750,000 others!

Happy Birthday Travis!

I can't believe that my sweet little Travis is two today!! If you want to read all about Travis, you can find it HERE and HERE. We started the evening off with a cupcake scavenger hunt. Travis had a ball running through the house hunting for cupcakes. The weather wasn't so nice today so we had to do it indoors.

We then had the official cake, which was a little Fillet Mignon treat pack. Riley had his two cupcakes at this time. Riley is watching his golden figure, so he bowed out of the scavenger hunt.

Then it was present time! Travis AND Riley both got presents. They always each get presents whenever one or the other has a birthday.

Finally, we posed for a photo. Mr. Bruises took the photo. Everyone is so happy in this photo! Everyone is being so good, except for Kallie. She is being her usual, bitchy self.

Happy Birthday Travis, aka Travee, Travis Pupstranna, Kissie Face, Little P, T-Rex and the gazillion other nick names we have for you!

Sickness and Santa

I have been nasty sick since last Tuesday. My lungs are filled with all kinds of goop that makes me cough endlessly. Luckily, I haven't had to deal with the sinus issues, thanks to the Nettie Pot. For the past week, I have been surviving on Emergen-C, Ibuprofen and Mr. Bruises' cough syrup with codeine.

The cough syrup makes Mr. Bruises go night-night almost immediately. Me? Two teaspoons every six hours just makes me restless. I thought I was okay on the syrup until I walked to the mailbox at the salon. I was amazed to see how I parked my car that morning. I have no idea, how I swung into my spot without taking out the flower pots. Yes, purple flowers bloom at The Purple Pinkie all year long, don't be hating.

Yesterday was day seven of sickness and I needed to go Christmas shopping. I really don't have many people to purchase presents for, but I do have a niece and nephew (from my half brother) and three great nephews and one great niece (from Mr. Bruises' two half sister's children, who are our age). So, I trudged out in all my sick glory hoping to get through it all without having a coughing attack and peeing myself simultaneously.

I headed to Target in Butler. I love Target, wish we had one closer. Soon, I was all engrossed in the toy section. It takes me forever to pick out toys for the kids. I ended up getting Marley a Barbie and some clothes, Nicholas a huge, noisy monster truck, Timmy a talking Winnie the Poo telephone and Amber a sweet Tinkerbell doll. The oldest two will get gift cards.

Even though I felt like crap, because I am The World's Greeter, I approached everyone with a smile. Even though under by breath I was saying "Get the eff out of my way". I was actually met back with smiles and politeness. I was shocked.

Let's get down to the nitty gritty. Santa is a WOMAN. Let's face it. The women do all the shopping, all the wrapping, all the decorating, all the holiday cards, all the cooking and all the cleaning. A man hardly ever contributes anything to the holiday, yet the figure that gets all the credit is a man.

Here's to getting through another Christmas ladies! Suck it up and put on your santa hats. Now who wants to come wrap all the eff'n presents I have on my kitchen table? I'll share my cough syrup with you!

One Year Later

I can't believe that it's been a year since we lost her. I was at roller derby practice when the call came in. I got the message about an hour later. I drove from Glenshaw to Kittanning in like 20 minutes. I was too late. Nick's mom was already gone.

We've muddled through all the special days and holidays. Mother's Day was rough. This photo was taken in 2001. We took Nick's parents to a Pirate Game for Mother and Father's Day. We were all excited to see the new ball park. We were on the Gateway Clipper when I snapped this.

I still miss her terribly. So much has changed since she's been gone and most is not for the better. I've been the family matriarch for one year now. They have been awfully big shoes to fill.

Nancy never forgot my birthday. She always sent me flowers and got me a nice gift. In return, I always made sure that she had flowers and that she got a cake. It's funny how sometimes people try to do things for people after they are gone, like they are trying to make up for things. I made sure she got her flowers from me. This is something I totally would have done if she was still with us. She loved pink flowers and loved roosters.

I know she knew how much I love her son. I hope that she is looking down upon us all, helping to guide us in our lives.

Riley's Holiday Adventures

Riley had a jammed, packed holiday week. It started on Christmas Eve. Riley went with us to visit my Mom in the nursing home. This was his first visit to this home. He was a perfect gentleman, despite trying to jump on Mom's bed and steal the little old lady that shares her rooms' baby doll. It is so great so see the joy on my Mom's face!
He then spent the evening at home doing the Hootchie Cootchie on the floor, much to our delight. He always does the HC with a toy!
Christmas morning arrives! Riley checks out all the presents under the tree with Daddy and tries to read which ones are his!
He opens all his packages by himself. He also doesn't touch anything that isn't his! No wonder Santa was so good to him this year!
His favorite gift is a 20" grunting gorilla. He immediately thrashed it about and made it make all the noises it's capable of. After awhile, poor gorilla was violated! Riley always "LOVES" his toys too much! LOL
New Year's Eve I couldn't stand it any longer, I just HAD to give him his Valentine's gift early! Yes, he violated the pink caterpillar as well. The holidays are tiring, so Riley does something else he always does, uses his favorite toy as a pillow!!

Happy New Year everyone!!!!!

Christmas Past

This photo is actually my first Christmas. I am not seen, but my Mom is pregnant with me. I have 36 more days before I grace the world with my presence. This is my Grandma Mary and my Mom, Christmas 1966.
This is my first real Christmas, December 1967. My father was in the navy, which explains my attire.
I am going to guess that this is Christmas 1969. I could care less about getting my picture taken. I have more important things to do like open presents. Notice the really groovy dress I got for Chrisrmas that year.
I'm guessing this is Christmas 1970. I was more than happy to pose this year. I think my Mom was smart enough to wait until I was finished opening presents. Notice how every year it looks like we have the same
tree. Guess my Mom liked the short, chubby live trees.
I'm guessing Christmas 1971. Please leave me alone, I'm opening my presents.

I don't know what year this was, but it was a memorable one. I think my Mom asked for a "Man" for Christmas. Our neighbor, Sandy, granted her wish. Notice her sweatshirt, which says, "I'm your Christmas present"!
This is Christmas 1989. It was Sonny's first Christmas and it was weeks after Nick and I got engaged. It was our second Christmas in our house.
This was Christmas 1992, even though Nick isn't in the photo, this was our first Christmas as a married couple. This was taken at my Mom's house. Sonny is in his "Sonny Claus" costume, which he would wear most of his life at Christmas time. He really loved wearing that hat!

I miss my Mom

I hate this time of year. Really, I do. I wake up every morning feeling like crap. I start to get very depressed. So, it's no surprise that I am feeling this way, it happens every year.

Lately, I've been very sad about my Mom. I miss her. Yes, she is still here and all, but she is not the same Mom she used to be. I miss my Mom.

My Mom was great. My Mom used to be me, just in an older form. I got my independent attitude from her, my outspoken nature as well as my get-go and my outgoing personality. My Mom was all of that and then some. It just saddens me now to see her not want to do anything but lay in a bed all day long and watch M*A*S*H.

She's not depressed. She's totally happy, totally content to live her life in a nursing home, laying around, watching TV and having others wait on her hand and foot. It kills me. She's 60, she has so much left to live for. Who am I, though, to tell her how to live her life.

She is disabled, due to her renal disease. Top that off with not having the use of her right arm, her dominate arm and she needs assistance to live day to day. She shouldn't need total assistance, though.

I used to get really angry when I would go to see her. Angry that she wants to live this way. Angry that I feel cheated out of at least 10 years with my mother. Angry to the point that I didn't enjoy seeing her or visiting with her.

Before my mother-in-law, Nancy died, we had a long talk about my Mom. She was amazed, like me, that Mom would just pretty much give up. Nancy was recovering from heart surgery at the time and wanted to do everything she could to get better and back to a normal life. Sadly this wasn't in the plan for her.

Nancy did give me some advice during one of our last conversations before she passed away. She told me that sometimes you need to take whatever bad feelings you are having, and put them in a box, on a shelf and tell yourself that you will deal with those later. Since then, I have tried doing this. I've tried to just go and enjoy being with my Mom.

For the most part, I have been successful with Nancy's advice. But some days, I just really miss my Mom. To be honest, I miss Nick's Mom too.

Falling Water

Nick and I headed to the mountains this weekend to stay at Seven Springs for their Octoberfest. We go every year. This year, on Monday morning, we really didn't have anywhere to be and it was such a beautiful day, I suggested that we go to tour Falling Water.

I remember passing the signs for it Memorial Day weekend when I went camping with the derby and refs at Scarlet Knob. I really didn't realize it was so close to us. Nick's mother had always talked about it and whenever anyone from out of state came to visit, it was always on her list of places to go. She always wanted to take me there.

When we arrived, we found out that you couldn't take a tour of the house on Mondays. You could only purchase a grounds pass. That was totally cool

with us.

Once we parked the car, we headed on one of the paths that took us past Bear Run, which is the stream that runs under the house.

Before we knew it, we were at the house. The water level is low, usually there is a full pool of water under the house. They had a really neat are where it looked like they could walk down steps from the house and into the water. To the side was a space that looked like it collected water and became a small wading pool.

There was a lot of really cool art around the property. I thought this statue was beautiful, how it was placed so that the sun would usually hit just the face.

After we walked all around the outside of the house, we headed up the road to an area above the house. They called this the garage. I can see where it would house three cars, but this was the best garage I'd ever seen. The top of the garage seemed to be a pool house. Here is the pool. Even green, it's beautiful. There was a wonderful walkway from the garage down to the house. Everywhere you looked was a little deck or a cozy nook.

After viewing the garage, we headed down to the creek. It is at this point that you get the "money shot" of Falling Water. This is the vantage point where almost every photograph has ever been taken. Nick said it best, if you lived here, you would never leave.

I really enjoyed this tour, I just wish that I could have taken it with Nancy. Also, the whole time I was there I kept thinking about how Skankalina Jolie brought Brad Pitt there for a private tour for his birthday. EWWW!

15 Years ago today!

August 1, 1992

Rhonda Sue Anthony married Nicholas John Kibuk

2007 - Still going strong fifteen years later!

Nick's Mom

Nick's mother passed away last night. You will be missed, Nancy.

Nancy Louise Kibuk
April 30, 1943 - July 12, 2007