Thursday, May 5, 2011

The Beginning of the End

One year ago, today, my mother had surgery to amputate two fingers that were infected with MRSA.  I truly believe that that was the beginning of the end.  The end of her life.  Mom had some complications after surgery.  Her heart rate elevated and she ended up being hospitalized for almost a week.  She should have been in one day.

While waiting for her to get out of recovery, I met Anastacia, the therapy dog.  She was all decked out for Cinco de Mayo.  She made me smile that day.

The following day, I had some major shit blow up in my life.  I made one of the best decisions I ever did and cut a big dead weight from it.  In return, I ended up depressed and just tired and exhausted with life.  I never did go to see my mother on Mother's Day.  I wanted to take her flowers but she was still in ICU.  In the state of mind I was in, I didn't go visit.

I did visit the next day.  She was in a regular room and I took her a nice floral arrangement.  She loved flowers.  It was just like most visits had become.  No talking and her just kind of not really caring if I was there or not.  This was the last time I saw my mother.

I let life get in my way.  I was extremely busy at the salon with prom.  Prom season goes on for weeks here.  I worked like a dog to get everyone in and ready for their big day.  I was exhausted, both physically and also mentally.  Then there was the Memorial Day rush.  I then had to work like crazy the first week of June so that I could get everyone in before we all hopped on a plane to head to Orlando for the Premier Beauty Show.  The Monday before we left, I had every intention to go visit my mom.  Somehow I talked myself out of going.  It was the frame of mind I was in.  My mother died a week later.  I was in Florida.

I really wish I had made myself go that day.  I just worry that she died thinking that I didn't care.  I did.  It makes me so sad to know that my mother died alone.  I still remember the call.  My ringtone at the time was Turning Japanese and I can't hear the intro to that song without feeling sick to my stomach.  I just really hope that my mother knew how much I loved her.

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