Putting the FUN Back in Dysfunctional

I've said for awhile now, that I should write a book about my totally dysfunctional childhood.  I've always said if I did write it, I would call it "How to Put the Fun Back in Dysfunctional".  But seriously, the dysfunctionality still goes on.  I've waited a bit before I sat down to write about this because I didn't want to write it angry.

Readers of this blog know that my father wasn't too involved in my life.  I am certain that he doesn't know my birthday.  I am pretty sure that I am not an important part of his life.  Time and time again, the man has turned his back on me.  Just recently, I gave him another shot, only to be dissed, yet once again.

In January, I got a friend request from him.  My initial reaction was NO WAY.  I was at the salon at the time and I was doing my friend, Lisa's nails.  I was telling her about it and said that I was going to ignore the request.  Lisa lost her father a year ago, right before I lost my mom.  Lisa said to me that she would give anything to get a friend request from her father.  Well, I would give anything to get a friend request from my mother!  Anyhow, her comment stuck with me and I started to feel guilty.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was reaching out to me and maybe he wanted to make an effort to be in my life.  So I hit approve.  I thought if anything, maybe I will get a Happy Birthday from this man since Facebook was now going to remind him that I had a birthday coming up.

I hooked him up with other family members on Facebook.  He made a few comments here and there.  I was in Punta Cana for my birthday.  I didn't get a Happy Birthday from the man.  The only thing I got was a comment on one of my pictures that I posted from paradise that said "Lucky people"  Really?  That's all you got?  Soooooooooooooo I am lucky that I worked my ass off all year long to save and pay to go on a vacation for my birthday?  That's not luck.  That's hard work.  Seriously, you can't see up in the upper left hand side of your screen that your fucking first born is celebrating her 44th birthday?

I just let it go.  In 44 years, I can count on my two hands how many times my birthday was acknowledged and most of those times the WOMAN in his life was responsible for him either remembering or doing anything.

So, time goes on.  Nothing.  No comments when it is obvious that I am struggling with the loss of my mother.  No comments of comfort for me on HER birthday.  Nothing.

My sister in law finally gets on Facebook and sends me a request.  I go to her wall to post FINALLY!  I've been after her to join the fun for years.  I happened to see that she had him listed as a family member and I thought, wonder what he's up to.  I clicked on his profile and was dumbfounded.  HE DELETED ME as a friend!  Who the hell deletes their own child as a friend on Facebook?  My father does.

I have no idea why.  I can only imagine that he somehow found my blog here and read my memories.  Yes that is right, MY MEMORIES.  I am so sorry if my memories of you are painful for you to read.  I am so sorry if you feel that my memories are things other people planted in my brain, yet these are MEMORIES.  Instead of trying to man up and be a father for once, yet again he takes the easy way out.  He turned his back on me yet once again.  I guess the truth really does hurt, huh?

I will admit, I am beyond pissed off.  I think I am more pissed off at myself for being so fucking stupid to give this man another chance.  When will I learn?  Well, I think I finally have.

So there are a few things I would like to say.  I have become the woman I am today DESPITE you.  I am an honest, caring person.  I have a gazillion people who I can call friend and they call me a friend.  I am an educated, successful woman with her own business.  I have a successful soon to be 19 year marriage.  I am compassionate.  I am all of these things and the person I am DESPITE you.  I have my mother to thank for all of this.  Without her I would have amounted to nothing.

Thank you so much for turning your back on me yet again.  Thank you for reminding me why I didn't want to approve your request in the first place.  Thank you for keeping your fucked up life away from me.  I will NEVER miss what I NEVER had.  And now, I am finished being angry with you.  I am just finished period.