Giving Thanks

So today is Thanksgiving.  So many people are giving thanks to all the things they are thankful.  Today, I woke up, not really thankful for anything.  To me, this has been one of the worst years of my life.  I blame it totally on the fact that I didn't eat pork and sauerkraut on New Year's Day.  I will not be making that stupid mistake again.

I mean seriously.  2010 has brought me a lot of heartache and sadless.  I had to fire not one but two employees this year.  I am still trying to reach around to remove the giant butcher knives that were stabbed deep into my back.  I've had more than my share of run-ins with the nursing home and the IRS concerning my mother.  My mother died.  I got jacked around by an attorney for seven months and finally got things straigtened out.  My sweet little Chip died.

After thinking of all of this, and feeling sorry for myself, I realized, it's really not that much.  Yes, I lost my mom, but there are so many others that are having a much shittier year.  So I decided to pull up my big girl panties and think of all that I am thankful for.

I am thankful that I have the most amazing dogs that have the ability to make me feel better just by looking at them.  I am thankful for a best friend that just seriously gets me.  Despite an 11 year age difference, we are so alike and in tune, it's scarey.  I am thankful for my Aunts Robin and BJ.  I can always see my mother's face in Aunt Robin's eyes and hear a smidge of mom's voice in hers. 

I am thankful for a job that allows me to laugh, be creative and have fun.  I am thankful to work with two of the best gals that anyone could ask for.  They are loyal, they are hard workers and most of all, they put up with my menopausal mood swings.  They deserve an award for that alone.

I bet you thought that I was going to forget Mr. Bruises.  I am thankful for him.  He annoys the ever, loving shit out of me a great deal of the time, but what husband doesn't do that?  I am thankful that he lets me live my life and doesn't try to control me like other husbands.  He puts up with my love of animals and my borderline hoarding habits.  In turn, I put up with Glenn Beck and Fox News.

Happy Thanksgiving to all.  Be thankful for what you have instead of feeling bad about what you don't have.

Charlotte?

About two weeks ago, I noticed a spot, on the kitchen wall, near Jeffrey, the turtle's  tank.  Since this was also near the kitchen garbage can, I thought maybe it was a food splatter, or one of the dog's eye boogers.  Yes, we have pets and we deal with eye boogers and shedding.  We don't mind.

Upon closer inspection, I realzied it was a tiny spider.  Little spiders don't really freak me out.  I will scream like a mad woman when a spider the size of my wrist is on my coat sleeve, though, but that's a whole other story for another time.

So I thought, it must be dead, so I blew on it and it quickly became alert.  I thought it was odd that it was on the wall and fully expected it to move back to it's web.  Well it didn't.  It's still there.  It lives on my kitchen wall.

I always thought that spiders lived in webs, which are usually in the corners of the wall or ceiling.  Not this spider.  It hangs out on the kitchen wall.  I wonder how it's eating, I don't see any trace of a web on the wall.

So then, I started wondering if this spider is like Charlotte.  Is it conversing with my animals?  If so, what do they talk about.  Me?  Obviously, since the spider doesn't seem to be skittish.  It's like the spider was told that this is a safe haven for all God's creatures.  That is, until you get really big, then you have to live in the garage.

Friendship

Friendship. Loyatly. Trust. Those all go hand in hand. I am a very loyal friend and I like to think that I am trustworthy as well. If I am your friend, I will defend you to the death. I have many people, in my life that I consider friends. Some are a different level of friends, like BFF Jill, she's my ultimate friend. She is who I would call if I was dying. She is who I vent to. She is who I could tell my deepest, darkest secret to and I know that she would never sell me out. She also, is who would help me bury a body if needed. Just kidding, just wanted to make sure you were reading and not skimming.

When you betray my friendship. That's it. Game over. There really are no second chances. If you don't have loyalty or trust, then you don't have friendship.

There was a person in my life, previously, who I considered a good friend. Well that friendship was betrayed. There was lying. There was deceipt. There was a lot of other stuff. I severed the relationship, however, I still wanted to be amicable. I had every intention of wanting the friendship to end "friendly". No, she was no longer in my "Circle of Trust" but I didn't want hard feelings and I didn't want animosity. Life is too short.

As months went on, I started hearing the absurd things that she was saying about me. Accusing me of doing such stupid stuff that is so trivial. My life doesn't revolve around getting revenge, holding grudges, etc. She assumed it did. She assumed a lot of things and she talked about it. Lots. Well, I know a lot of people and lets just say, everything ever said about me, came back to me.

Recently, she told someone that she feels bad how things went down between us and said we just don't get along now. Well, who's fault is that? I did everything I could to make things end friendly.

So, when you look around, and you realize that you have no friends. Not one girlfriend, maybe you will realize that you had a true friend at one time. Someone who remembered your birthday. Sent you flowers. Brought you things back from trips. Listened to your problems, gave you advice.  What do you have now? That's what I thought.

I, am blessed with a lot of wonderful ladies in my life that I consider true friends. The vast amount of close frienships that I have is all the proof to me that I know how to be a true friend. A loyal friend. A trustworthy friend. Some could learn from our friendships.

The Question

So, for the second time ever, I was asked The Question.  It is a simple question.  An innocent question.  A dreaded question.

So, how's your Mom doing?

Both times I have been asked this question, it was people, who knew my mom and one knew of her illness.  Both didn't know that she died.  They both felt horrible and I feel awful that they felt that way.

The first time, was about a month after my mother passed.  An old, childhood friend, was home visiting and was in the salon.  She asked and I responded.  I know she felt bad and I assured her it was okay.  I was fine and it truly was a blessing.

So, time passed.  I knew I would get The Question again some day.  Tonight I did.  A previous client, who gets her nails done occasionally was in tonight and while catching up, she asked The Question.  I had no idea how much that question was going to hit me.  It's been over five months.

I got a huge lump in my throat.  I instantly felt my eyes start to tear up and my voice quivered when I told her that my mom had passed away in June.  Again, the question asker felt horrible.  Again, I assured her it was okay and told her of my surprise at my reaction.

I realized that I still, really haven't let myself totally break down.  Why?  I don't know.  Maybe I am afraid if I let the gates open, I will never be able to close them again.  I guess I just never realized how much I was going to truly, emotionally and physically miss my mom.