Saturday, May 28, 2011
In January, I got a friend request from him. My initial reaction was NO WAY. I was at the salon at the time and I was doing my friend, Lisa's nails. I was telling her about it and said that I was going to ignore the request. Lisa lost her father a year ago, right before I lost my mom. Lisa said to me that she would give anything to get a friend request from her father. Well, I would give anything to get a friend request from my mother! Anyhow, her comment stuck with me and I started to feel guilty. I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was reaching out to me and maybe he wanted to make an effort to be in my life. So I hit approve. I thought if anything, maybe I will get a Happy Birthday from this man since Facebook was now going to remind him that I had a birthday coming up.
I hooked him up with other family members on Facebook. He made a few comments here and there. I was in Punta Cana for my birthday. I didn't get a Happy Birthday from the man. The only thing I got was a comment on one of my pictures that I posted from paradise that said "Lucky people" Really? That's all you got? Soooooooooooooo I am lucky that I worked my ass off all year long to save and pay to go on a vacation for my birthday? That's not luck. That's hard work. Seriously, you can't see up in the upper left hand side of your screen that your fucking first born is celebrating her 44th birthday?
I just let it go. In 44 years, I can count on my two hands how many times my birthday was acknowledged and most of those times the WOMAN in his life was responsible for him either remembering or doing anything.
So, time goes on. Nothing. No comments when it is obvious that I am struggling with the loss of my mother. No comments of comfort for me on HER birthday. Nothing.
My sister in law finally gets on Facebook and sends me a request. I go to her wall to post FINALLY! I've been after her to join the fun for years. I happened to see that she had him listed as a family member and I thought, wonder what he's up to. I clicked on his profile and was dumbfounded. HE DELETED ME as a friend! Who the hell deletes their own child as a friend on Facebook? My father does.
Thank you so much for turning your back on me yet again. Thank you for reminding me why I didn't want to approve your request in the first place. Thank you for keeping your fucked up life away from me. I will NEVER miss what I NEVER had. And now, I am finished being angry with you. I am just finished period.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
While waiting for her to get out of recovery, I met Anastacia, the therapy dog. She was all decked out for Cinco de Mayo. She made me smile that day.
The following day, I had some major shit blow up in my life. I made one of the best decisions I ever did and cut a big dead weight from it. In return, I ended up depressed and just tired and exhausted with life. I never did go to see my mother on Mother's Day. I wanted to take her flowers but she was still in ICU. In the state of mind I was in, I didn't go visit.
I did visit the next day. She was in a regular room and I took her a nice floral arrangement. She loved flowers. It was just like most visits had become. No talking and her just kind of not really caring if I was there or not. This was the last time I saw my mother.
I let life get in my way. I was extremely busy at the salon with prom. Prom season goes on for weeks here. I worked like a dog to get everyone in and ready for their big day. I was exhausted, both physically and also mentally. Then there was the Memorial Day rush. I then had to work like crazy the first week of June so that I could get everyone in before we all hopped on a plane to head to Orlando for the Premier Beauty Show. The Monday before we left, I had every intention to go visit my mom. Somehow I talked myself out of going. It was the frame of mind I was in. My mother died a week later. I was in Florida.
I really wish I had made myself go that day. I just worry that she died thinking that I didn't care. I did. It makes me so sad to know that my mother died alone. I still remember the call. My ringtone at the time was Turning Japanese and I can't hear the intro to that song without feeling sick to my stomach. I just really hope that my mother knew how much I loved her.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
I don't care if you think you are more successful than me, creative than me, popular than me.
I don't care what you own, I don't care what you wear, I don't care what you have to say about me, I don't even care if you lie.
I don't care what your opinion of me is, or what you really think about me.
I don't care if you talk about me. I don't care if you sneer at me when you see me or try to hide to avoid me.
I don't care if you want to see me hurt or want to see me fail, because I will never give you the satisfaction.
See, YOU are the reason that I care about the important things. I don't want to be like you, because truthfully, you suck.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Cell phone :o)
All done!!! I expect to see lots of these now! Take a photo of yours and tag me on Facebook!!