What is a Father?

This is a REPOST of a blog post I wrote last year.  It's worth sharing again.

A father isn't just someone who fertilizes an egg.  A father is someone who nurtures their child, loves their child unconditionally, teaches and guides their child to grow up to be responsible adults.  A father gives a child a moral compass.

My father was actually my mother when you consider these things.  My mother was there for me from the moment I took my first breath until the moment she look her last breath.  My mother lived her life for me.  I wanted for nothing.  Sometimes I sit and think, how did she do it?  I am sure my grandmother helped a lot.

When I got married, my mother gave me away.  She earned that right.  People think that my father is deceased.  He isn't.  He's alive and he lives close by, however, I really don't seem to have a relationship with him.

When I was young, I would see him during visitations.  Most of the time, he would pick me up, take me to my grandparents then come back a few days later and take me home.  Later, when he remarried, I did stay with them, but the majority of my quality time was spent with my step-mother, who I love like a sister to this day.  I remember her coloring with me and making sure I had my favorite snacks.

When I got older, I stopped idolizing the man, who never seemed to show much interest in me.  See, my mom never said a word, she let me figure things out for myself.  I am sure it must have hurt her to see how much I put this man up on a pedestal and how time and time again, he would either ignore me or just disappear from my life.  I really don't think that he even knows when my birthday is.

He had a son with my first step mother and Nick, my brother, and I stay in touch.  He has three beautiful children that I love more than I can ever say.  When his second child was born in 2006, I wanted to see the baby.  They were all coming to visit my father and I went to his house to see the baby.  He resides with his current partner.  When I walked into their home, it was one of those homes with a large stairway and the wall going up the stairs was lined with photos, lots and lots of photos.  Of kids.  I am certain that there wasn't one photo of me.  I was the kid that didn't exsist again.

Before my mother passed away, I last saw my father in November of 2006, when my cousin, who was like a father to me passed away.  At that time, he promised me that he would stay in touch.  I never heard a thing from him until he showed up at the funeral home when my mother passed away.  I was very surprised to see him there.  I felt comfort and akward at the same time.  Someone overheard him tell my brother that he was really going to make an effort to keep in touch this time.

I am not holding my breath.  I learned years ago that the only person you can count on is yourself.  Let's face it.  You can never miss what you never had.

Happy Father's Day, Mom,  I love you!

Putting the FUN Back in Dysfunctional

I've said for awhile now, that I should write a book about my totally dysfunctional childhood.  I've always said if I did write it, I would call it "How to Put the Fun Back in Dysfunctional".  But seriously, the dysfunctionality still goes on.  I've waited a bit before I sat down to write about this because I didn't want to write it angry.

Readers of this blog know that my father wasn't too involved in my life.  I am certain that he doesn't know my birthday.  I am pretty sure that I am not an important part of his life.  Time and time again, the man has turned his back on me.  Just recently, I gave him another shot, only to be dissed, yet once again.

In January, I got a friend request from him.  My initial reaction was NO WAY.  I was at the salon at the time and I was doing my friend, Lisa's nails.  I was telling her about it and said that I was going to ignore the request.  Lisa lost her father a year ago, right before I lost my mom.  Lisa said to me that she would give anything to get a friend request from her father.  Well, I would give anything to get a friend request from my mother!  Anyhow, her comment stuck with me and I started to feel guilty.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was reaching out to me and maybe he wanted to make an effort to be in my life.  So I hit approve.  I thought if anything, maybe I will get a Happy Birthday from this man since Facebook was now going to remind him that I had a birthday coming up.

I hooked him up with other family members on Facebook.  He made a few comments here and there.  I was in Punta Cana for my birthday.  I didn't get a Happy Birthday from the man.  The only thing I got was a comment on one of my pictures that I posted from paradise that said "Lucky people"  Really?  That's all you got?  Soooooooooooooo I am lucky that I worked my ass off all year long to save and pay to go on a vacation for my birthday?  That's not luck.  That's hard work.  Seriously, you can't see up in the upper left hand side of your screen that your fucking first born is celebrating her 44th birthday?

I just let it go.  In 44 years, I can count on my two hands how many times my birthday was acknowledged and most of those times the WOMAN in his life was responsible for him either remembering or doing anything.

So, time goes on.  Nothing.  No comments when it is obvious that I am struggling with the loss of my mother.  No comments of comfort for me on HER birthday.  Nothing.

My sister in law finally gets on Facebook and sends me a request.  I go to her wall to post FINALLY!  I've been after her to join the fun for years.  I happened to see that she had him listed as a family member and I thought, wonder what he's up to.  I clicked on his profile and was dumbfounded.  HE DELETED ME as a friend!  Who the hell deletes their own child as a friend on Facebook?  My father does.

I have no idea why.  I can only imagine that he somehow found my blog here and read my memories.  Yes that is right, MY MEMORIES.  I am so sorry if my memories of you are painful for you to read.  I am so sorry if you feel that my memories are things other people planted in my brain, yet these are MEMORIES.  Instead of trying to man up and be a father for once, yet again he takes the easy way out.  He turned his back on me yet once again.  I guess the truth really does hurt, huh?

I will admit, I am beyond pissed off.  I think I am more pissed off at myself for being so fucking stupid to give this man another chance.  When will I learn?  Well, I think I finally have.

So there are a few things I would like to say.  I have become the woman I am today DESPITE you.  I am an honest, caring person.  I have a gazillion people who I can call friend and they call me a friend.  I am an educated, successful woman with her own business.  I have a successful soon to be 19 year marriage.  I am compassionate.  I am all of these things and the person I am DESPITE you.  I have my mother to thank for all of this.  Without her I would have amounted to nothing.

Thank you so much for turning your back on me yet again.  Thank you for reminding me why I didn't want to approve your request in the first place.  Thank you for keeping your fucked up life away from me.  I will NEVER miss what I NEVER had.  And now, I am finished being angry with you.  I am just finished period.

The Beginning of the End

One year ago, today, my mother had surgery to amputate two fingers that were infected with MRSA.  I truly believe that that was the beginning of the end.  The end of her life.  Mom had some complications after surgery.  Her heart rate elevated and she ended up being hospitalized for almost a week.  She should have been in one day.

While waiting for her to get out of recovery, I met Anastacia, the therapy dog.  She was all decked out for Cinco de Mayo.  She made me smile that day.

The following day, I had some major shit blow up in my life.  I made one of the best decisions I ever did and cut a big dead weight from it.  In return, I ended up depressed and just tired and exhausted with life.  I never did go to see my mother on Mother's Day.  I wanted to take her flowers but she was still in ICU.  In the state of mind I was in, I didn't go visit.

I did visit the next day.  She was in a regular room and I took her a nice floral arrangement.  She loved flowers.  It was just like most visits had become.  No talking and her just kind of not really caring if I was there or not.  This was the last time I saw my mother.

I let life get in my way.  I was extremely busy at the salon with prom.  Prom season goes on for weeks here.  I worked like a dog to get everyone in and ready for their big day.  I was exhausted, both physically and also mentally.  Then there was the Memorial Day rush.  I then had to work like crazy the first week of June so that I could get everyone in before we all hopped on a plane to head to Orlando for the Premier Beauty Show.  The Monday before we left, I had every intention to go visit my mom.  Somehow I talked myself out of going.  It was the frame of mind I was in.  My mother died a week later.  I was in Florida.

I really wish I had made myself go that day.  I just worry that she died thinking that I didn't care.  I did.  It makes me so sad to know that my mother died alone.  I still remember the call.  My ringtone at the time was Turning Japanese and I can't hear the intro to that song without feeling sick to my stomach.  I just really hope that my mother knew how much I loved her.

I Don't Care.....

I don't care if you think you are better than me, prettier than me, thinner than me. 

I don't care if you think you are more successful than me, creative than me, popular than me. 

I don't care what you own, I don't care what you wear, I don't care what you have to say about me, I don't even care if you lie. 

I don't care what your opinion of me is, or what you really think about me. 

I don't care if you talk about me.  I don't care if you sneer at me when you see me or try to hide to avoid me. 

I don't care if you want to see me hurt or want to see me fail, because I will never give you the satisfaction. 

See, YOU are the reason that I care about the important things.  I don't want to be like you, because truthfully, you suck.

How to Bling Out a Cell Phone Cover!

I’ve been blinging out cell phones for years. It’s been a few years since I’ve blinged one out and have been asked countless times how to do it, so I decided to so a tutorial.

I recently got the Verizon iPhone4. I love this phone. I got a cheapie cover at Five Below. Make sure you get a plastic one and not a rubber or silicone one. The glitter finish will just peel off of any surface that is super flexible. The cover that I chose was the best of both worlds, it is plastic with rubber sides so that the phone is easy to grip.

SUPPLIES
Cell phone :o)
Cover

Modge Podge – this is a very thin glue used for decoupage. You can find it at most craft stores or at Wally World.

Brush

Tape – Masking tape works best, but I only had Scotch tape and it worked fine.

Glitter!!!!

If needed, mask off the areas that you don’t want blinged out. I masked off the side because they were rubber.

Apply an even coat of Modge Podge, make sure to not leave any puddles.

Put a paper towel or sheet of paper down under your cover and pour the glitter all over it. Be generous.

Tap off the excess glitter onto the paper. Fold the paper and pour excess back into the glitter jar. No waste!!

Let dry. It doesn’t take long. Once dry, you can add another layer of Modge Podge, but it really isn’t necessary unless you want it to feel smooth. I didn’t add a second layer. Remove the tape and give your blinged area a good brushing with a nail brush or just tap it real well.

All done!!! I expect to see lots of these now! Take a photo of yours and tag me on Facebook!!

Cavy Cookies!

I am doing a little fundraiser for Wheek Care Guinea Pig Rescue in Lower Burrell, PA, this is where I got Lilah from.  In case you don't know, Cavy is the proper name for a guinea pig.

These cookies will be available at The Purple Pinkie Wednesday - Friday this week, while supplies last.  These are perfect for your Easter Baskets or to give to your sweetie.

The cookies are $3.00 each or 2 for $5.00 and are all on a stick and beautifully packaged.

We have pink, purple and white flowers.

Pink and purple tulips and limited supply of Easter Bunnies!!

Be sure to stop in to The Purple Pinkie this week and get a cookie!  The guinea pigs thank you!!

Meet Lettie!

For my birthday, this year, Mr. Bruises got me another gift card, but this one wasn't from WalMart.  He got me one from Petco.  See, right before we left for vacation, we were in Petco and I fell in love with these little Russian Dwarf hamsters.  He thought that since I lost Chip, I would like to have another little creature in my life.  This is awesome since this is the man who usually is saying "No more mouths to feed in this house!"

So, off I went to Butler to bring home my little fur ball.  Well, when I got there, the only ones out and about were the males.  They are cute and all, but I usually like female rodents.  Then I saw this guinea pig.  I large one.  That just kind of looked sad.  I walked over and she looked at me and followed my finger.  I kept going back and forth.  I called Mr. Bruises and asked him if we still had Rudy's cage and he said yes.  Still, I was undecided.  Those little fur balls sure are cute.  Finally, I decided since the little gal didn't want to come out to meet me maybe I should take the pig.

Well, once I asked the guy to get her for me, I knew I was meant to have her.  See, she wasn't for sale, she was up for adoption (for a small fee) and she came with a cage.  Right then I knew I was meant to take this gal home.  The guy seemed relieved that she found a good home.  I guess she was brought in last night, in a filthy cage, her water bottle was full of algea.  One thing I can say, they did feed her, so.......just like everyone in this house, she is on a diet!

She's a sweet pig, very loving and not as skittish as I though she may be.  I don't know how old she is, how long they had her, I just know that she's in her forever home and she doesn't have a worry in the world now.

The meet and greet went well.  Travis was very interested in her.  Now to keep Kallie off of the cage.  She used to sleep on Rudy's cage and I think she's gained some weight since Rudy passed away because when she jumped on the cage, she bowed it.  I want to put her in Rudy's old cage and will once Mr. Bruises gets home and finds it for me.

Rudy was born shortly before I brought her home on February 2, 2002, which was Super Bowl Sunday.  She was named after Rudy Giulianni, even though she was a girl.  So, keeping with that tradition, I took the suggestion of my boyfried, Dawson and his mom and am naming her after Kris LeTang.  We will call her Lettie for short.

So, welcome to the Kibuk clan, Lettie!  I can't wait to hear you "WEEK" for the first time!

Dying....

I thought I was dying on Wednesday.  I woke up and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest and when I went to let the dogs out, I got so dizzy I nearly passed out.  It passed, I sat for a few hours and drank coffee, ate oatmeal and surfed the net.  When I got into the shower, I was having a hard time breathing again and got dizzy once more.  After showering and getting dressed, I just felt so hot.   I had no cold symptoms, no fever but I did have the pain between my shoulder blades that I get fairly regularly that I attribute to doing nails all day long.

I drove to work, still having a hard time breathing.  I decided that maybe I needed to go to the hospital.  I had two clients coming that I needed to do because they were getting their nails done for special occasions.  I texted a client/friend, who is a nurse and asked for some advice.  I wanted to make sure I wasn't over reacting.  She told me to go to the hospital.  She thought I was nuts that I was going to do two people and go in two hours.  As I sat there, I started feeling worse.  I called the second client and told her I needed to reschedule and she said she was leaving for vacation in the morning.  She understood, but I still felt bad.

I called BFF Jill to see, if chance, she could do this client for me and she asked what was up and I explained everything to her and she said she was going to close up shop and come up and take me to the hospital.  I told her that I was fine to drive myself, she told me she would rather I NOT do that and to wait for her, so I did. 

At this point, it is too late to call my first client.  She comes in the door right before Jill gets there and she agrees with everyone else, go to the hospital.  So Jill comes and she brings a local paramedic, who is off duty with her.  He agrees go to the hospital, but he thinks I should call the ambulance.  I told him that one ambulance call to The Purple Pinkie was enough (We had a client pass out in November and had to call for help).  I insisted I was okay to have Jill drive me.

Off we went.  Long story short, I got an EKG, chest x-ray, lots of blood taken and everything looked okay.  They did, however, want to keep me over night so that I could have my blood enzymes checked every six hours to see if something went on with my heart.  Then, if that was all good, they wanted me to have a stress test in the morning.

So, long story short, I have a healthy heart.  They think I have either Reflux or I had a gallbladder attack.  It's good to know that my heart is healthy.  I don't have high blood pressure.  I just now have to figure out what foods trigger these events.

As I spent all of that time in the ER room, all I kept thinking was that this was the same bay that my mom and Nick's mom were in.  These were both times that they left the hospital.  I then wondered if these were the same bays that they died in.  I wasn't there when either of them passed, I was enroute from derby practice when Nancy passed and I was in Florida when my mother passed.  I just kept thinking of them. 

When I got admitted to my room, it was number 325.  My mother's birthday was March 25.  I think both of these wonderful ladies were with me through my ordeal.  I am thankful I have so many friends that helped me out.  BFF Jill for taking me and staying with me.  Betsy for such great advice and staying with me until I went to my room and checking in on my until I went home.  Jason for coming over to see if he could help.  Tammy for taking my boys for the night and bringing my book.  Sherri and Bonnie who checked up on my and saved me from having to stay another night because they kept me from eating breakfast and getting my stress test on the schedule.  Amanda for sending her husband Dave to pick me up at the hospital and take me to the salon.  Kylie and Regina for holding down the fort at the salon even though they had just as much as me going on in their life.

It's times like these that you really appreciate the people in your life.  I have been blessed with some wonderful people and for that, I am thankful.

Christmas Without Her

This is my first Christmas Eve without my mom.  I grew up in a broken family.  My parents divorced before I was two years old.  My mother always allowed my father and his family to have Christmas Day with me.  I always had Christmas Eve with my Mom and Grandma.  It was great!  I got to open my presents on Christmas Eve around midnight.  I got TWO visits from Santa!

As I grew up and my Father disappeared from my life, I started spending Christmas Day with some of my friend's family and then eventually with Nick and his family.  The Christmas Eve with Mom tradition was always a given.

This year, I just find myself so sad.  I am going to go today and light one of her eternity candles, but it's not the same.  I am trying to remember the good times, but all I can think about is last Christmas Eve and all the crap that was going on at the nursing home and it just pisses me off that that is the last Christmas I got to spend with her.

My Mom loved Christmas.  She decorated like there wasn't a tomorrow.  Every year, she would decorate her tree differently.  She crocheted snowflakes one year, then the next year pastel snowflakes, then the next year she crocheted angels and hearts.  Each year totally different.  I never inherited that from her.  I really don't like the holidays.  Someone said this morning that they don't either that all they bring is disappointment and rejection and that is how I feel.  Yes, my mother made sure the holidays were nice for me, but there were just some things she couldn't fix.  She couldn't make someone love me or want to spend time with me when he didn't.  Here I am, 43 years old and still suffering that same disappointment and rejection.  Why do I care?  I don't know.  All I know is the one parent that loved me and thought the world of me and would have done anything for me, is gone.

So, I am going to try to get through this day, with a smile on my face and try to remember my mother when she was the most happy, loud, boisterous woman.  She was me times 10.  That's what I will focus on, not the small, frail, weak, soft spoken woman that she ended up being in the end.  I will hug my dog tight, knowing that if she was here, she would be doing the same.  I will light that candle and I will always love my Mom and I will always miss her the most on Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas Mom.

Happy St. Nick Day!

Today is St. Nick Day and today I am really thinking of my mother.  Up until I was 21 years of age, St. Nick visited my house.  Sometimes, I wouldn't have a clue that it was St. Nick Day until I went to go out of the door to go to school and would nearly trip over a bag of goodies.  Sometimes I would go to put on my shoes and find money in them.

The goodie bags usually had candy bars, Bubble Yum (which was a hot commodity back them) oranges and walnuts.  All the goodies were in a brown paper sack that was twisted closed at the top.  As I got older and stopped believing in Santa, I also questioned who St. Nick really was.

My mother swore that it wasn't her, yet I reminded her that she would never let me eat things from strangers.  I thought for awhile that she may have invested in the help of my Great Aunt Marg.  I really don't know.  My mother never admitted doing it.

I am almost certain it was my mom.  It had to be.  And she never forgot.  Neither will I.

Happy St. Nick Day!  May you find some money in your shoe!