Remembering Her

Two years ago today, I lost my Mom.  I was wide awake at 3:30-ish this morning.  This is not unusual, I usually wake up several times during the night, feeling hot.  Usually it's starts around 5:00.  I guess maybe I woke up because that was the time she passed.  I initially got the call at 3:15 that morning, so who knows.

It's been a long two years and I can honestly say I don't think I have ever let myself fully let out my grief.  I think I have always been afraid that if I started crying about it that I would never stop.  So, I just never let myself go there.  Maybe that wasn't such a good idea.

I wanted to do something today to remember my mom.  I decided to get my tattoo finished with something to remember her.  Whenever I think of her, I see dragonflies.  My tattoo is a big dragonfly as well as some little ones and flowers.  So I asked Ezra of Iron Elements to come up with another dragonfly that has my mother's name and her dates incorporated into the design.

I think he did an awesome job!

On Hold

Well, my surgery is now on hold.  I was to have it next Thursday, but an abnormal EKG has put a halt to it.  It seems as though when I had my EKG two weeks ago, that I was in Atrial Fibrillation.  It's where the top half of your heart is working twice as fast as the bottom part of your heart.  The big risk with it is blood pooling in the heart, possibly forming clots, which then could result in a stroke.

I firmly believe that in January of 2011, I was in Afib then as well.  I thought I was having a heart attack.  I must have come out of it before I got to the hospital since it never showed up on my EKG then and I was on a heart monitor for 24 hours and had a stress test the next day.  Everything checked out okay and I was told that my heart was healthy.

This explains so much to me.  I was diagnosed with acid reflux or possible gall bladder issues after that episode.  I've had these feelings again, off and on, and treated them as acid reflux.  I now know why I haven't felt good for years.  I think I have been going into and out of Afib for some time now.  It explains why I am exhausted all of the time and my sense of anxiety too.

I also was put on a happy pill.  I really have reservations about that.  I am just so afraid that once you start taking anti-depressants that you never get off of them.  I have finally admitted to myself, though, that I have been severely depressed for some time now.  YEARS.  I think it started when my mother, first, initially got sick and I was hit with all of the responsibility that I would carry for years.  I am a classic case of "just because someone looks happy and laughs a lot doesn't mean that she's okay on the inside".

I am also finally admitting to myself that I am not well.  I have entirely too much stress in my life.  I am not healthy and I don't need any jackass telling me that I should lose some weight.  No shit Sherlock.  However, until you walk a mile in someone's shoes, don't judge.  I'm not making excuses, but it's hard to be active when you don't have any energy or desire to be active.  It's hard to eat better when you don't have the time or energy to shop, cook or hell even decide what to eat.

I can't tell you the last time I hopped out of bed feeling good.  I can probably count on one hand how many times in the past year.  I never feel rested, I know I wake up a gazillion times through the night.  Sleep Apnea can put people into Afib, so that is something that will need to be checked.  I also had my thyroid tested to see if that is causing these issues.

Either way, I am happy that finally something is coming up to explain why I feel like shit all of the time.  I am disappointed beyond belief that I have to wait, yet again, to have relief from the other things, but I guess the old ticker is much more important.  I will get by, I always do, but I'm just a little tired with life and all it's curveballs at the moment.

I Guess I Have Cute Feet

Those of you who are Facebook Friends with me got to enjoy the fun I had with the "Foot Fettish Dude" last night.  I think it's fair to start from the beginning and share the whole story.

Last fall, I received a phone message that Kylie took from this dude.  She was all smirky when she gave me the info.  The message said that he was looking for foot models for his company for a shoe brochure.  I called him and the conversation went pretty much like this.

ME:  Hi Zack, this is Rhonda from The Purple Pinkie returning your call.
FFD:  Hi.  Silence.
ME:  What did you want?
FFD: Um, yeah we are looking for foot models and we figure you see a lot of feet.
ME:  Foot models for what?
FFD: For pictures and stuff.
ME:  Well if you get me some information or brochures, I will be happy to give them to anyone who is inetersed.
FFD:  Okay.

I hung up perplexed.  He sounded totally unprepared.  Like he didn't have a clue.

Next thing I know, he starts texting me.

I am busy, I ignore the text.  I get another one.

When I reply, I totally missed the first text and the whole FETTISH word.  I am at the salon, I am busy, at this point I am still thinking he's legit and looking for models for a shoe catalog.  It continues......

At this point I am like are you fucking kidding me?  This guy is a perv and a freak and something is fishy.  It continues.......

So at this point, I am skeeved out and I think he's got the message.  Something tells me to save his number just in case.  So I save it in my contacts as Foot Fettish Dude.  Well, my Spidey Sense was correct because last night, he texted again.  I once again, ignored his first text, so after his second text I decided to tell him like it was.

So, not only is he a perv, he's an illiterate perv.  I don't even know if Zack Clark is his real name.  A search of his cell phone number shows that it could be either a Butler cell number or an Indiana one.  Either way, I hope this is the last of him.  

My friend Tara said if it was her, she would have met him, kicked him in the nuts, took his $200 and asked him "How do you like my feet now?"  I think that is an excellent idea.

FREAK!

Progressing

So, I have had the repeat of my past testing done.  I had an appointment yesterday for what I "thought" was just going over test results.  When I arrived, I was told that I needed to give a urine specimen and I asked if she wanted my copay, since last time, she collected it as soon as I arrived.  She responded that it depended on whether he was going to be doing a procedure on me.  At that point, I nearly died.

Here I am, like a lamb being sent to the wolves, being told that I am going to have THAT PROCEDURE done again.  The one I specifically said I would not have without either narcotics or being put under.  I, at this point, look at the girl and tell her I am not having that done today, that I didn't have anything prescribed for pain.  She politely responded that "Oh, it's not painful at all!"  I told her that I had this done before and I had been prescribed high milligrams of Motrin before hand that did nothing and it was the most painful thing I've ever experienced in my life and I will NOT be having it done.  She told me that I could discuss it with the doctor.

Let me tell you something.  I am not a wuss.  I am not a cry baby.  I don't give a shit if you have had this procedure done and you thought it was a cake walk.  Everyone is different.  I have a very high tolerance for pain.  I sat through two, nearly three hour sessions, getting my entire foot and ankle tattooed and it wasn't bad at all.  Previously, the new doctor said that since I haven't had children, my lady parts, inside, are small.  They are also unusually shaped and tilted.  These factors can make things uncomfortable.  Why didn't the other jackass know this?

At this point, I am beginning to hyperventilate.  This is the first time, I think of bolting out of the door, never to return.  I go into the restroom and collect my urine sample, in a fog, trying to calm down.  I go back out to the waiting room and wait to be called.  I now have the second thought of bolting I am very close to the door, it would be easy to do.

I get called back, I get weighed and have my height measured then get put into a room and get my blood pressure taken.  I have two nurses/aids with me.  I figure they are maybe training a new girl.  After the blood pressure the one asks me if I brought my "E String".  I am like what the hell is that?  It's some contraceptive device that she thinks I am replacing.  She checks my chart and confirms that it is NOT ME who is to receive this procedure.  It's now the third time I want to want to run out the door.

I am then handed a sheet and told to undress from the waist down.  I am near flip out mode at this point and inform, yet another person that I WILL NOT be having that procedure.  They tell me that the doctor will decide that.  At this point, I burst into tears and again reiterate that I WILL NOT be having that procedure.  I am handed a tissue, told to undress from the waist down, cover with the sheet and I can discuss it with the doctor.  This is now the fourth moment that I just want to run out the door.  SCREAMING!

I do as I am told.  The doctor comes in and asks how I am and I reply "I'm okay".  He takes one look at me and realizes I am not okay.  He asks what's wrong and I just unload.  I tell him I am not going to let him do that procedure.  I tell him all about the last one.  I am, at this point, to the panicked, crying stage, where I can't catch my breath.

He asks for the pathology report from a procedure that the past doctor did.  He then starts talking to me and calms me down.  Bottom line is, he didn't do the procedure and I am grateful.  He decided to accept the pathology results from 2010.  Thank God.

We then discussed a plan of action.  He likes things to go in steps.  I would prefer that we go clear to the end step, however, he recommended the first step.  I agreed to that.  Anything is better than what I have now and he's confident that I have a very high chance of this fixing my problems.  I din't have the energy to argue anymore.

On June 14, I will have a Novasure procedure done along with a tubal.  Not that the bakery was ever open, the oven will be totally shut down.  God I hope this works.

I'm Sorry....

Lately, I feel the need to apologize for things.  Some of the things are beyond my control, however, there is a sense that I should apologize, so here goes:

• I am sorry that I am so busy at my nail table that I can't fit you in until next month.
• I am sorry that I can't remove your nails since it is impossible for me to do so, since you have MMA (dental acrylic) on your nails.
• I am sorry that you don't understand why I can't remove this crap.
• I am sorry that you trusted someone you couldn't communicate with, I am thankful that it wasn't your gynecologist or hairdresser, I shudder to imagine what would happen if you couldn't communicate with them.
• I am sorry that I didn't return your call, see you didn't leave me your number, you left me MY number, the one that you called and your Caller ID is blocked.
• I am sorry that I am not able to work 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  I work as much as I physically can.
• I am sorry it's prom and in Armstong County, and that it lasts for four weeks.
• I am sorry that we have three people getting their toes done at the time you want and even though we have an opening, we have nowhere for you to sit to get your toes done.
• I am sorry that I am not willing to sit on the floor, breaking my back, to do your toes because there are no pedi chairs open.
• I am sorry we are closed on Mondays, everyone needs a day off.
• I am sorry we don't answer the phone when we are with clients, but if we did that, we would never get anything done.  We have an assistant now and I am sorry that she doesn't work 24/7/365 either.
• I am sorry that you ripped your discount nails off and your nail beds are destroyed,
• I am sorry that I can't guarantee that the nails I put on your nails, that were destroyed by another salon, but it's like building a house on a sand foundation.
• I am sorry that I can't remember that one photo you saw on Facebook out of 3,000 that you want your nails to look like. 
• I am sorry that I will not cover your entire nail with glitter acrylic,  I realize other salons do it, but we don't and give you many reasons why.  If you want your nail totally covered, get a Magic Manicure.
• I am sorry that you didn't show up for your appointment and now you can't afford the No Show Fee.
• I am sorry that I am almost to the point of burn out, but I am living for June 1 and hope to return from Orlando re-energized to take on the world and be at a point where I no longer feel the need to apologize for things that should be common sense.

So Called Professionals

I found this old post, that I wrote two years ago and for some reason, never published.  It's funny, two years later, I can say the same things.  I took a photo of a girl's nails that were, by far, the most damaged nails I've seen.  Too many times, we get caught up in blaming and pointing fingers at the Non-Standard Salons, but the truth is, those that you normally don't think of as working in an NSS do damage too.  It all comes down to education and experience.  Oh, and a little common sense helps too!

I am totally amazed, everyday, the amount of people in the beauty industry that try to portray themselves as a professional, yet they do illegal things.  They want to sit there and complain about Non-Standard Salons and talk about how they don't follow laws and blah, blah, blah and yet they are no better than the salons that they want to hold responsible for their lack of business.

These same people, who call themselves professionals will say that they give out coupons for money off of services and they will claim them as redeemed even if they aren't.  They are doing this to reduce their income reporting, which then reduces their taxes.  That is TAX EVASION!

They will sell gift certificates, put a short expiration date on them and the KEEP THE MONEY when they aren't redeemed.  There are laws, governing gift certificates in every state.  I have not heard of one state that allows you to keep all of the money.  Most states have rules that if money passed hands, this is not your money until you perform the service.  If the certificate is not redeemed in so many years, it has to be turned over to the state as unclaimed property.  Enforcing the expiration date and keeping the money is STEALING!

You then have people who charge state sales tax on retial item and then they don't turn that money over to the state.  Again, this is THEFT!!

Finally, you have people who will show photos of feet, before and after the use of a BLADE?  Really?  Credo blades are illegal in all states.  Cutting skin is considered a surgical procedure, which we are not licensed to do.  To use a blade on someone is not only illegal it is UNPROFESSIONAL!

I think it all boils down to people with no business sense running businesses.  I think it's high time that people stop worrying about what the NSS are doing and worry more about what THEY are doing.  You are absolutely no better than the people you are looking down on.  You are stealing, you are evading taxes and you are doing things that your license does not allow.  You are NOT a professional and I take offense to you putting yourself in my category of professional.

Super Moon

So, apparently last night, we had the opportunity to see a Super Moon.  I had no idea what one was.  According to Wikipedia, in short, it is when the Earth, Moon and Sun are all in a line, with Moon in its nearest approach to Earth.


The sky was so bright last night, when I took these photos.  I actually, can't look at this photo too long because my eyes start to water.

I took a second cool shot of the moon as it showed from behind a tree.  All and all, it was a cool thing to see!

My Favorite Tree

I have always loved this tree.  You can see it from many different areas, on the windy road that it resides on.  It is one of those trees that just commands attention.

I think the tree is dead, however, it still stands.  I first took a picture of it on January 9, 2011.  I was attempting to do a photo a day thing for a year.  I've tried that three times now and I always fail right around this time of the year.

I decided to take another picture of my favorite tree yesterday.  It still looks the same.  I've been wanting to blog more, I've gotten away from it for so long.  So, I decided I need to blog more with photos.  I love taking photos and just got a new "Big Girl" camera.  I am still learning all of it's magic, so this is a perfect idea.

I have made a promise to myself to take a photo of my favorite tree every season.  So far I have one in January and one in April.  I now need to take one in July and one in October and I will have all four seasons.

Visiting

Yesterday, I did what I have done for five years now.  I went to Nancy, Nick's mothers grave to visit her for her birthday.  As usual, I weeded around her name plate and put a new bouquet of pink tulips.  Pink was her favorite color.  She was also a big fan of tulips.

While there, I noticed that another friend is buried just a couple of rows over.  I don't know why I never noticed this before.  Maybe because I never walk around.  I go, do my thing, say a few words and I am on my way.  I will now add Kevin to my list of visits.

Starting Over.....REALLY?

OMG, I can't even believe I am at this point.  I had so much hope for today, but in the back of my mind, I knew all along this is what would happen.  I have to start over.  From scratch.  To finally get to the point where I can have some relief in my life.  To try to find my joy of living again.  To improve the quality of my life.

For years I have been battling what you would call "female issues"  For the past two years, I have endured so many invasive tests that it is sickening to think about them.  I have actually had all of those done twice now.  One test was so ridiculously painful that I am physically ill, just thinking about having to go through it again.

I don't know how I am going to be able to do it again.  I am a strong woman, but this is where I draw the line.  There is a slim chance that I may not have to have THAT test done again, but knowing my luck, I will have to have it.  I can't do that test again conscious.  I will have to be put under.  I don't even know if that is an option.

I am so,, fucking, incredibly pissed off at my previous doctor.  He dropped the ball.  He had me endure all of that twice and then just never progressed to the next level.  WHY????  Why was I told that what I am experience is normal.  It's not.  Why was I told that I just need to learn to live with things.  I shouldn't have to.

I now know I have options.  Lots of them.  However, I have to start right back from the beginning just because my previous doctor failed me.

Please pray that I don't have to endure that last test.  Please pray that I can go through all of this one more time.  Please pray that I don't run into this man and if I do, please pray that I don't beat the living shit out of him.