Planet of the Skate

Saturday night, was my second bout with the B-Unit. We played the Queen City Rollers from Buffalo, NY. It was a hard-hitting, nail biter until the end. It came down to the last jam in which we lost by 2 points. This team, however, was their All-Star team. They are not a WFTDA team, so The Steel Hurtin' should have played them, but it wouldn't have counted for rankings. So, in essence, we played an "A" team and pretty much kicked ass! Way to go B-Unit!

This was my first time playing with former teammate Maida Steel, as well as Helen Fire and Lollipop. I just love Maida's game face.









Cameo Steph has provides us with awesome photos at almost every bout. Sometimes, it kills me to see photos of myself. My form sucks. I "think" I am getting low and wide, but look at my legs, they are so close together. I guess it's all those years of catholic school and being told to keep your legs together.

Goal for this month, get low, get wide and make sure I am actually doing it.

Fast Times at Derby High

Tomorrow is my first bout with the B-Unit! We are taking on the Coal City Rollers from Wilkes Barre and The Steel Hurtin' will be playing the Long Island Roller Rebels. In honor of this GLORIOUS occasion, I took my mouthguard and made it into a grill. It's amazing what you can do with nail polish and nail art materials!

Get your tickets at www.steelcityderbydemons.com for $10 or from any derby girl while we still have them. Tickets are $15 at the door. Children 10 and under are free, so bring the kiddies for a FUN family night!

Year End Banquet

Saturday night, The Steel City Derby Demon's held they end of year banquet at The Grey Box Theatre in Lawrenceville. It was a great evening to kick back and celebrate our second inter-league season.

The Hot Metal Hellions named BB Basher as our MVP. We also gave a special award to Refolio,for always being there to give skate advice, to ref our scrimmages and just be our PIMP!







We had lots of food, cocktails and dancing occurred. Maybe too many cocktails!

Formalda Heidi's boyfriend taught me the fine art of using a candy necklace as a weapon. In all my years, I never learned to shoot those beads. That, seriously, was the highlight of my night!

Congrats on a successful season, all you strong, independent, athletic derby demons!!

Scarehouse Opening Night!

Last Friday was the opening night for Scarehouse. Since they were named by Hauntworld Magazine as one of the top haunts in America (Number 5, actually), the Travel Channel was there filming a special.

We had a few derby girls come out and show some love. I never did get a photo of Whipsmart, who was first in line!!

Helen Fire and CC DeKill came out.

So did Beath Death. This is Mr. Bruises favorite skater!

Dr. Feelgood chased everyone down the street. It was a great night. Come out and see us! Scarehouse is open Thursday-Sunday through November 1. Wear your Depends, trust me!

Best Shirt Ever!

At the bout on Saturday, Hissyfit, of The Slumber Party Slashers, had on the best t-shirt I've seen in a long time. I first noticed the hands on the front that looked like they were cupping her "girls"
I then noticed the saying on the back. Great shirt Hissy!!

Paybacks are a B*tch!

So, the whole "Sometimes it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission" thing coming back to bite Mr. Bruises in the ass. I told him that I would be playing my card someday and that day will be very soon!

Mr. Bruises hates the fact that I have a tattoo on my foot. I've been wanting to get another tattoo for sometime now, but haven't because I didn't want to disappoint him. Well, the whole Camilla thing made me realize that I can do what I want.

At the bout on Saturday, I spent $20 on the 50/50 raffle and got a chance for a $250 Jester's Court tattoo done by Hannibal Refter. I stated when I was handed my ticket that it was the winner! Well low and behold it was!

I was so excited that I jumped up and screamed. I then ran right across the derby floor, while Queen of the Derby was going on. QOTD is a knock down, drag out, last girl standing battle for the barbed wire crown. It' wasn't until I saw the deer in the headlights look on Big F'n Ref's face that I realized I can really close to losing my life!

As I was coming back to my seat, Mr. Bruises had that horrified look on his face when he realized that his payback day is coming. I took a picture of it to record it in history. This is the moment that you realized that Paybacks. Are. A. Bitch!

Battle Royale!

Last night was the Championship bout, Battle Royale, for the Steel City Derby Demon's second season. The Bitch Doctors and The Wrecking Dolls were prepared to fight until the end for the coveted SCDD Championship Trophy aka "Stanley's Leg. As I walked in, that is the first thing I saw.


The leg was constructed by Refholio. It consists of skate parts that have played a part in SCDD history. The skate, for instance, was BB Basher's skate that broke during The Saint Patrick's Day Massacre, March 17, 2007.
After oogling all over the leg and taking it's picture, I got my second heart palpitation of the evening. I saw that Hurricane Heather was not only in uniform, but skating! I. Love. Heather. She has been out the entire season with a shoulder injury and actually had surgery. I was so excited to see her skate again, but worried, when I noticed that her OTHER shoulder is now bandaged. Seems she injured it during a practice last Wednesday.

It was an exciting bout. It was back and forth, back and forth. It was the kind of bout that makes you a little sick to your stomach. Bodies were flying everywhere. At one point, Big F'n Ref, straddled over CC DeKill, of The Bitch Doctors, who fell. We all wondered if he got smacked in the "goodies" just a little. Later, Ally McKill, of The Dolls, did the same thing. I guess this is a testament of CC being able to fall small, since Ally is TINY! It was great entertainment for the crowd, they loved it!

Speaking of the crowd, I hear that we had a local celebrity in attendance. Pittgirl, author of The Burgh Blog, tweeted:

"Just left roller derby. In a word, insane. In another word, mayhem. Loved
it."

I am so glad you made it to a bout, Pittgirl. I knew you would love it!

Both teams fought until the very end. Quite a few got injured, you could tell they were putting everything they had into it. The Dolls never gave up, fighting to the end. The Bitch Doctors were victorious. They once again, played very well as a team. It's like they are all totally in sync with one another.

Congratulations to The Bitch Doctors on their second championship win. Congratulation to The Wrecking Dolls for really stepping it up and putting it out there this season, you did amazing! Congratulations to SCDD for a VERY successful second season! I. Love. You. ALL!

Hellions Photo Shoot

On Monday, I headed into the 'Burgh for a photo shoot with my team. The league is putting together a calendar and each team was assigned two months. The Hellions got March, since we are green and one other fall month. We planned to meet on 32nd Street in the Strip District.

The site was really cool. It was under a railroad bridge along the river. We used part of the structure, which was rusted with peeling paint. The sky that evening was gorgeous. I took some candids during the shoot. I can't wait to see the outcome!!!

Postcards From the Edge!

I will admit, I am horrible about getting the mail at the salon. It's not like it's a hard task, I just hate going to the mailbox. Usually, when I walk out there I get honked at by truckers or hooted at by passersby. I guess they don't get to see much on Route 66. So, I usually resort to getting my mail about once a month.

I got the mail this weekend and was pleasantly surprised to see a postcard from Otto, aka Ref-Holio. He was in Lincoln, NE for his wife, Lisa's, figure roller skating national competition and visited the National Museum of Roller Skating. They apparently had a whole section on Roller Derby. The postcard features legend, Ann Cavello and Betty Boyd battling it out in 1950. It's funny to see them skating without helmets and elbow pads.

Recently, Mr. Bruises and I were talking and I told him when I retire from derby, I want to become a ref. Mr. Bruises then said that his favorite ref is Ref-Holio, because of his name. I will admit, I didn't totally get the name, probably because I wasn't a Bevis and Butthead fan. Mr. Bruises quickly educated me in all things Bevis and Butthead including "Corn-Holio" which is where Otto got his name. NOW, I totally understand the shirt up over his head and him throwing toilet paper all around!!!

I've said it before and will say it again, everyone needs an Otto in their life!! Thanks Otto!

The Dolls Rock the Crashbah!

Congratulations to The Wrecking Dolls, they defeated The Slumber Party Slashers last night and earned themselves a spot in the Championship. The Battle Royale will be held on September 20 and The Dolls will take on The Bitch Doctors for the second league title.

I really felt that Scary Schiavo and Tower of Terror (Pictured hugging Madame Abagael) played an awesome game. I found myself continually yelling their name, reacting to their play.

Congratulations to the rookies, who played their first bout. Auntie Establishment, Iron City Pounder, Mission Impassable and Oxy Cotton Candy for the Dolls and Paula Maul-U and Shocker for the Slashers. Those sitting on the Dolls side were treated to bags of cotton candy, in honor of Oxy's debut. She not only jammed for the Dolls, but she performed the National Anthem with her sister, playing the violin and viola.

Be sure to catch the Championship!

Photo courtesy of Cameo Steph

Mr. Bruises Goes Skating

For Christmas, Mr. Bruises got skates from Santa so that he wouldn't have to rent skates anymore. He also got some outdoor wheels. We went on our annual Anniversary trip (one weekend early) to Presque Isle and we took our skates.

He was all skeptical in the beginning. Even though he had knee pads on, he was concerned that he didn't have wrist guards. I couldn't lend him mine, even though I have two pairs. I wear an extra small and I am certain they wouldn't fit him. I assured him that he just needed to fall on his knee pads and he will be fine.

I let him go first. See, I am such a talented skater that I can skate AND take his picture at the same time. He did pretty good. After awhile, I got passed him and he kept yelling at me to slow down.

We skated for quite a ways, stopped and took a break and then headed back the way we came. When we came to the parking lot where the tracker was, I kept going. I could see the look of doom on his face.

I continued a little further then decided to put him out of his misery and quit. He was all sweaty and his feet hurt. I, on the other hand, could have kept going. He told me that was because I do this for a "living". I was like WTF??? Where has my derby paycheck been going all this time??!?

Derby Foot and Skin Care

Playing roller derby creates problems for those of us who like to look and feel feminine in our time off skates. Regular skating creates calluses on our feet and regular wearing of elbow pads, leaves our upper arms bumpy and pimply looking. Regular maintenance of our feet and arms will leave them looking as good as new.

Calluses are formed for a reason. They are there to protect the body. It is never a good idea to cut them off or remove them, they will only grow back and when they do, they will be thicker. Your best defense is to regularly reduce and smooth them, making them look better.

Every derby girl should have a foot file in their shower. After you are finished showering, the last thing you should do is use the file on your heels and then use it on your calluses. Most of us have the big ones on our right feet on the inner ball of the foot and the big toe.

You should never file too much. If it hurts, stop. Less is best. By filing after you shower, the callus has been softened by the warm water and this is the most optimal time to do your filing. Be sure to wash your file off before you hang it up to dry. And for goodness sakes, don't use a Ped-Egg, it's like using a cheese grater on your feet and your callus will GROW.

While you are in the shower, use a sugar or pumice scrub on your arms. You can find these anywhere, just go for a scent and texture that you like. These pimply looking areas on your arms are ingrown hairs that are caused by the constant friction of your pads rubbing against your arm. By exfoliating regularly, you will free the hairs and the bumps will go away. Always moisturize after exfoliating, so when you get out of the shower and dry off, use a good body butter or lotion on your arms.

When you get out of the shower, be sure to dry your feet, including between your toes. Most people never dry their feet or toes. This is a great way to keep from getting a toenail fungus.

Now is the time to moisturize your feet, right after you've exfoliated them. The best product that I have found for use on feet is Mary Kay's Extra Emollient Night Cream. It is really thick and greasy,, a little pricey, but it works and one tube goes a long way. It also works best on moist skin. Take a dime-sized amount and rub it into the entire bottoms of your feet, making sure to get the sides, heels and really work it into those calluses.

Start regularly exfoliating and moisturizing your feet and arms and you will see a difference. No more need to hide those feet in shame!

The Bitch Doctors win

Despite a valiant effort by The Hellions, The Bitch Doctors won on Saturday, securing their spot in the Championship in September. The Hellions season, is officially over.

The Bitch Doctors deserved the win. They played much better as a team. They worked together the entire night.

I think the reason that The Bitch Doctors are so successful comes down to one thing. They like each other. They are friends, they respect each other and they just stick together. I envy that.

Congrats to the rookies who played their first bout. McShovin', Fraulein Funbags, Red Alert and Uma Hurt'em all rocked it for the Hellions. J-Bomb and Whip Smart rounded it out for The Bitch Doctors.

Sounds like there are a lot of changes in the future for our league. I'm not sure where that will take me, but I am looking forward to change.

Photo courtesy of Cameosteph

A Derby-tastic Week!

In preparation for Flat Track Fever, I've been skating like crazy this week. This is going to a great bout on Saturday. I've played The Bitch Doctors as a Hellion twice now, and we lost both times. This time will be different.

Monday, we had team practice, then we scrimmaged The Wrecking Dolls. Tuesday morning, I headed to Bladerunners and had the ENTIRE rink to myself for two hours. In the evening, I headed to league practice. Last night, we scrimmaged The Slashers. Tonight, will be another league practice, but it is scrimmage night.

Lots of skating this week. Lots of scrimmaging this week. We are ready for Saturday, we are going to, as Pittgirl would say, "Choke a Bitch!"

If you come out on Saturday, first, wear your GREEN and bring a donation for the two animal shelters that we are collecting for!!

Confuscius says....

This was an actual fortune I got in my fortune cookie last night. Well, I've passed the age limitations for Miss America. I can't become a Solid Gold Dancer due to the fact that the show has been cancelled. I guess this must mean Roller Derby!!!!!!!!!

I can tell you, it sure as hell does not mean marrying Psycho BOB! OMG, I better be careful. He's like Beetle Juice, if you say his name three times, he appears. I wonder if typing it counts?

The Price of Derby

Derby requires sacrifices off all kinds. There's the monetary, the physical and the emotional.

Monetarily, it costs me $30 per week to attend two practices in gas. Sometimes I make three a week, for the most part, I usually make 10 practices a month, which amounts to $150 a month in gas. Add in our dues and you got $180 a month. Add in lost wages of $240 for quitting work early every other Thursday for practice and my grand monetary sacrifice is $420 a month. This totals $5,040 per year. This total, of course does not include equipment or other expenses.

Then you have the physical sacrifice. Being a 41 year old skater, things just don't heal as easy. It's much harder to get up in the morning. Every bone in your body creaks. You experience the multitude of bruises and injuries. You are constantly playing catch up to the young skaters.

Lastly, you have the emotional sacrifice. This is the one that I am having the most difficulty with lately. I have never in my life suffered from such a low self esteem as now. I feel humiliated weekly, degraded, looked down upon and sometimes, just made to feel like shit. It's my own fault. I allow it.

So, I add up the monetary, physical and emotional sacrifices and I ask myself... Why do you put yourself through all this? The jury is still out on that answer.

Block of Love

May 17, The Hellions took on The Slashers. We lost. 'Nuff said. I am bruised, but I am not broken!

No, it's not a rabid clown, it's Bekkie MK-Ultra, making a miraculous recovery from a "compound fracture" to her ankle in April's bout against The Bitch Doctors (RUMOR). I love the look of joy on my face in this photo, it really shows my love for roller Derby.

Watch out Bitch Doctors, The Hellions are coming!

Leg update........

Well, my leg wasn't broken, I never thought it was. I actually thought it was crazy that they considered it. After seeing the orthopedic doctor, he determined that I sprained my bicep femorous muscle. It is the lower muscle of the hamstring and it helps control flexing of the knee and bilateral movement. I got two shots of Cortizone and a script for physical therapy.

I am in my second week of physical therapy and it is helping tremendously. They've been doing ultra sonic massage on the area, followed by deep tissue massage, followed with 20 minutes of heat. I can honestly say, it is almost back to normal. By next week, it should be a memory of the past.

Season Opener

The Steel City Derby Demons had their season opener on March 22. My team, The Hot Metal Hellions took on The Wrecking Dolls.

The Hellions welcomed back Formalda Heidi, who was out half of the last season due to an injury. We also finally can claim Mel Practice as our own. Mel played three bouts with us last year as a sub. She dropped down into the draft pool in the off season and the Hellions snatched her up.

The Hellions also had two rookies playing, Amanda Smackround and Michelleter Skelter. Hats off to these rookies, they rocked their first bout.

After about a month of agony, my new purple skates are finally starting to feel like home on my feet. It's funny, in photos, you can barely tell that they are purple, but trust me. they are!

The bout was a tight one. At half time, we were tied. The lead kept going back and forth. The Hellions, however, were victorious in the end.

I didn't get through the night unscathed, though. I took two hard falls on my left knee. I treated it as instucted and things were going great until day 4 when the entire leg from knee to toes swelled. I was sent for xrays, seems they were thinking my fibula was broken, but the xrays read normal. Thursday I go to an orthopedic doctor to see what my action plan is.

Congrats Hellions on a great season opener!!

Miss Gross Conduct

So, my aggressive side has been coming out lately. Some love it, some hate it. I, personally, don't care who hates it. I play roller derby, aggressiveness is to be expected.

Tonight, I was informed that a lot of people think I am going to dethrone the Miss Gross Conduct recipient of last season. I say bring it on!

Listen, you have a split second to make a decision. Sometimes you make the right one, sometimes you make the wrong one. That's what referees are for and why we have penalties.

You can't have it both ways. You can criticize someone for not being aggressive and then when they are, criticize them for that. I have been elbowed plenty of times in the face, I've had fat lips, been kicked in the shins and received plenty of bruises. Do I remember who did all those things? Hell no! It's derby and I expect it. Actually, I WELCOME it.

I wear my bruises with pride. I am, after all, Fonda Bruises! Eat it!